Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Today I am faced with reality. I am waiting in the parking lot whilst my husband is being seen at the Navy clinic. While we were waiting an elderly lady parked next to us. Glancing over I noticed she was having a hard time getting out of her car, not physically by mentally. Kind of like she was nervous. Then she opened her door and hit our car. The kids were appalled. I reassured them that really it was okay.

I will be that lady. How will I be loved or appreciated? How will I be seen by others? Will I be a burden or a blessing? Time goes by so quickly. I know this...I live this. What am I teaching my kids? Am I teaching them to seek after the Lord with all there heart or am I teaching them that it is okay to put Him on the shelf while life is busy to pick Him up at a more convienient time? Reality is not so fun to face at times.

Well, my time is up here...blogging that is...

Monday, October 18, 2010


How is your day going? I slipped on my socks today to find a hole cut above the big toe of my 12 dollars socks. No big deal I initially thought, but I am realizing that it kind of is because this year my winter shoes are an old pair of Birkenstocks. Sigh...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Thinking Over Popcorn

Snack time at our house has become a little hectic.  We are trying to go wheat-free and everything has wheat.  So, this afternoon the Boyscouts saved us.  I bought some of their popcorn this past trip to the commissary...did you know that it is naturally both sugar and gluten free?  Yup.

So, I am popping popcorn thinking about homeschoolers.  My husband was at first hesitant to the idea of homeschooling because he didn't want our kids to have that sort of awkwardness that homeschoolers sometimes have...no offense.  Really though I have that social awkwardness and I have never been home-schooled.  Okay, before I step on anymore toes...I was thinking of ways to prevent Ike from being "different".  Then I remembered that this is not our home.  This Earth I do not belong to.  I am not supposed to purpose to be the same as other people, but actually want them to see a difference in me.  The difference that Christ makes.  I do not want to raise children who belong in it either. 

So, that is my thought for today...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Your Grace Is Enough

Three Sundays ago I drove to church in complete tears.  I was so frustrated because it is so hard to go to church...the kids are always crazy and hard to wrangle...I love being at church, I just dislike getting there.  I was crying though really because I come to church seemingly desperate every Sunday.  Really needing it.  I just felt like there must be something wrong with me because if I was a "good" enough Christian, I would come calmly with obedient children(:

So, last Sunday I didn't go.  I made up some excuse in my mind and didn't go.  The kids had been especially crazy and I really didn't even feel worthy enough to come to church.

This Sunday I just didn't want to go.  I knew that if I didn't go though that it would be even harder next Sunday.  I arrived ready to pass out, exhausted and I went into the sanctuary hearing "Your Grace is Enough."  It is enough, but do I believe that?  Do I accept that?  I know that His grace is enough for you...or for my children, but do I believe that it is enough for me?
I love that I get to choose to be a Christian.  I have chosen to believe that Christ is my savior.  I have chosen even though I hurt, am seemingly hurt by things that have happened in my life.  I know that God could provide a life for me that would be free from hurt, free from desperation, just free.  He does not bring these obstacles into my life to hurt me, I know, but it still hurts.  The thought, hope that I cling to is this...that some day I will be able to help someone else, be a blessing to someone else. 

Lord bless me, so that I can bless others.

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Saturday, September 4, 2010

This Is How We Roll...

When I became pregnant with Alexander I pretty much freaked out.  Kind of thought that I would not be able to do anything, go anywhere.  So, I began the search for a new stroller.  I didn't want a double side by side because that was too bulky and would be a hassle.  So, eventually, I settled on a Phil and Teds and it was pretty nice.  Super heavy, but nice.

So, you can imagine how I reacted when I became pregnant with Eleanor, well maybe you can't, but I was pretty worried.  I love walking and seriously I think it is one of the only things that keeps me sane.  So, I began the stroller shopping again.  After about 6 months of shopping I finally found one and boy is it awesome.  So, I just thought I would share a few pictures with you.  I have a Mountain Buggy stroller and then attach a Buggy Board from Lascal onto it for Jacquelyn.  It totally rocks.

Alexander loves his ride...so does Eleanor, maybe a bit too much(:

A little prewalk photo op.  JQ insisted that I take the picture and then she looked away when I relented.

Lolly-pops at the local candy store.

For some reason I cannot add text under the below picture...
I love this picture because this is my reality.
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Saturday, August 28, 2010


So, Ike has a science book that goes through the genus homos....homo sapiens, homo erectus, homo africanious...etc.  I know my spelling is off, but spell check is not working either(:

So, Ike comes up to me.  Hey mom did you know that there is a homo that is only 3 ft tall?  Little bit of giggling coming from me.  Mom, did you know that one group of homos were cannibals?  More giggling, yes I am a bit immature at times.  Mom, this homo...

So, I say ummm Ike, I know what you are talking about but I do not want you to say that anymore.  I know that you are talking about the genus homo, but other people may think you mean something else.  Ike of course asks what they might think it means.  Sigh...well Ike I will tell you later, right now I am going to carry the burden of that knowledge.  Okay mom.

If only everything in life was this easy(:  We also talked about evolution...I so enjoy these conversations.  It is kind of exciting to think that I am influencing the mind of a future scientist...exciting, but also a little scary.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This is where I am at...

This morning I talked to a lady from the company we rent our house through.  I told her that Dan had left for the Gulf, we had just had a baby and that I was barely surviving.  I said that if any work was going to get done that it had to be the week that my mom was here.  I am barely surviving...this is where I am at...

Monday, July 19, 2010


When I was growing up I read the Babysitter's Club series.  One of the girls in the books was a a health-nut.  Well, her mom was really.  She had never had junk food and never really even wanted to try it.  I was like...when I grow up I am going to be a health nut and my children will only eat healthy food.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?  My children will never eat Oreos or marshmallows so they will prefer granola, dried fruit, and other "healthy" choices.  Hmmm...well, here I am grown up.  The plan didn't work.  My kids love junk food because at some desperate moment in their lives I gave them something savory and sweet to kind of help them keep their mouths shut.  Oh and also, I never kicked the junk food habit myself.  That is actually the reason for the post...my lunch for today...peanut butter crackers and marshmallows.  Maybe my grand kids will be health-nuts?

Saturday, July 17, 2010


So, I have been waiting all day for this opportunity to write in my blog.  I created this blog kind of as an online diary of sorts.  Now I cannot remember what it was that I was going to say and my baby just started to cry.


Sunday, July 11, 2010


The past few weeks of my life have been kind of a blur. A lot of exhaustion, anger, snapiness have been exuding from my persona. Maybe even a little self pity at times. Not a lot of self pity though because I am totally and completely aware that it could be worse(:

Resentment, that is a word I can identify with. I resent my husband. I resent him. I feel like I have given my all to him, entrusted myself to him. I feel like he has thrown away this offering and totally left me abandoned. I feel like he knows that I am strong and has taken advantage of it. He has stopped protecting me. I feel used and abused.

So, I was interrupted from continuing on with this blog post...probably a good thing...
JQ has not been able to sleep...have I mentioned that before?  Sleep and bedtime is something that I have worked hard for and my kids have always been good sleepers, it is a prerequisite to be part of our family(:  Ha ha.  So anyways, we have been establishing a new sleep routine, I sing to JQ, pray, hugs and kisses, then she tells me "one more thing", then I shut the door, she cries, I open the door, fix whatever she is crying about and then usually she sleeps.  She asks me to sing to her though, no one has ever wanted to hear my voice, especially after the first time I sing.  So, I have been trying to find new songs to sing to her.  Safe in the Arms of Jesus is one that I wanted to sing to her.  So this afternoon I was playing it on the piano trying to figure out the tune.  While flipping through the pages of the hymnal, I happened upon Trust and Obey.  This is why I rerouted this post.

Not a shadow can rise,
Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt nor a fear, 
Not a sigh nor a tear.
Can abide while we Trust and obey.

Not a doubt nor a fear, Not a sigh nor a tear.  That is what these past weeks have been full of:  Tears, Fears, Doubts and Sighs.  I know what I am responsible for.  I did not choose these responsibilities.  
You are the light of the world.
A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
Matthew 5:14

I am to be a light.  A light to my family, to my friends, to the world.  So, I am to trust and obey...that will drive away the anger, the resentment, the snapiness.  So...according to Pastor Keith...my light bulb is already turned on(Christ is in my heart), but maybe it isn't shining as brightly because it needs to be dusted off.  

He must increase, I must decrease.
John 3:30

Friday, July 9, 2010


So this past week I was talking to a friend about Jacquelyn.  She has had a rough go the past couple of months.  I have figured out that it has to do with Dan being gone.  So, I know why she is behaving the way she is behaving...what next?  So, this friend said that I should take JQ to the doctor because she might be ADHD.  I do not remember anything else about the conversation...my child...ADHD...

So, I talked to another friend, because I was just sick to my stomach, a lot of fear.  I have always said that I do not really believe in ADHD, or that it is overdiagnosed.  My friend said, so what?  Are you going to give her medication for it?  No, of course not.  Then so what?  What if she does have ADHD, what are you going to do about it.  Hmmm...nothing really...treat her the same way we treat our other kids...raise her the same way.  I just don't want her to be labeled, that is it, I do not want a label assigned to my child. 

Labels are hurtful, truthful, misleading, pleasing...what labels do you hold?  There are so many labels that I cling too...depressed, single(though married), blonde...the list goes on.  What do I want to be identified as though?  I want to be identified as a light for Jesus.  I want people to seek me out, not because I look like I need help or I look like I am put together...I want people to seek me out not because of me, but because of Him.  I need more of Him and less of me. Where is my easy button...because this is not so easy, but it is, it should be!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I don't know how to ask for help

I don't know how to receive help either.

I have never taken anything without giving something back.

At some point anyone that I have ever loved has let me down, abandoned me.  I figure it is easier and safer just to do everything on my own, so I don't risk the hurt.  Poor me.  Everyone in my life has let me down. 

Seriously though, I have let down every person that has entered into my life.  I am human, I make mistakes, right along with every other human that enters into my life.

So, my husband is gone until January or so.  7 months total he will be gone.  Maybe this is an opportunity to practice asking and receiving help. 

Come to me, 
all who labor and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest.  
Take my yoke upon you, 
and learn from me, 
for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 
and you will find rest for your souls.  
For my yoke is easy, 
and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


This morning I woke up to reality.  My reality.  Not such a positive thing right now.  I have an 8yo, 3yo, 2yo and 3 week old.  My husband is deployed...for oil spill clean up.  I am not getting any sleep.  I am just beat.  My kids are constantly fighting, Jacquelyn is not sleeping again, Alexander has suddenly become a pest to his siblings, Ike needs to run and have more interaction with boys...Eleanor, well she is 3 weeks old which is self explanatory.

I am tired.

I feel alone.

I feel like a failure.

But that is me talking.  In reality, I have been given this amazing opportunity to grow into the person that God wants me to be.  I am tired, but not alone...and I have not failed(:  So, if I can just focus on that, focus on the thought that God cares so much about me that he is challenging me.  He sees in me this amazing person and is giving me the opportunity to become that person. 

Focus Melissa, focus.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Eleanor Rian

So I am a little late on this post(:  Eleanor Rian made her arrival early Saturday morning...two Saturdays ago! 

She is beautiful...she is perfection.  She is a great nurser and is just complete and total sweetness.

I delivered her completely natural, no pain meds or anything...yes I am taking a moment to brag about this.  I was really doubtful on whether or not I was going to make it initially.  But it was amazing.  My doula was amazing.  I was able to give birth to Eleanor in water and it was amazing.  I feel like I can now stop having kids...I have had the most perfect birth(: 

Now all I have left is to raise her...

Monday, May 3, 2010


The process or an instance of passing from one form, state, or stage to another.

So, my doula informed me the other day that I have never gone through transition unmedicated before.  I have been panicking.  Seriously doubts have started crossing my mind...how am I going to do this?  So, I read this book last night that informed me that I just need to let go.  I just need to breath and let my body take over...I can do this.  It is okay to not be in control, so...check...not in control.

Today my husband came home from work and gave me news that he is probably not going to be here after the baby is born and for a long period of time there after.  If the baby is born a week late, he will not be here either.  Panic.  I am not making it right now.  What am I going to do?  Suddenly I cannot breath again. 

Transition.  I am getting ready to physically go from one stage to another in labor.   It scares me a bit, but I know that I can do it.  Natalie, my doula, will be right there with me.  She will be my strong hold, she will carry me through. 

Transition.  Have I not asked for this spiritual transition?  This is what I plead for, strive for, beg for.  So, I need to loose control.  Christ, my spiritual doula, will be right there with me.  He will be my strong hold, he will carry me through this transition.  Breath Melissa...just breath. 

Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you're my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone

Monday, April 26, 2010

My testimony...I cried throughout the entire thing(:

I have been a Christian my entire life..VBS, 5 day clubs, Sunday school...the whole 9 yards. 

(At this point I paused to point out that I was pregnant and very emotional, I thought they might need and explanation because I was pretty much sobbing.)

But I was not born again.

John Piper says it best, "They are cultural Christians.  Religion is a formal, external thing.  There has been no true inner awakening from spiritual death to spiritual life. 

So, I was spiritually dead.  I came to a point in my life where I was given a choice, presented with a decision to trust my life in God's hands or to turn away.  I turned and fled.  I remember telling my mom that when I made this decision I did not even ask God, I did not want His input. 

So, if there is a step below being spiritually dead...that was where I was.  I was deeply depressed.  I remember telling my doctor that I was living, still alive because of my son and my husband, that was it.  I did not think that they could survive without me.  And that is how I rode the roller coaster of life for the next four years.

We were living in Oregon and I had just had Alexander.  Dan was away on a two month patrol.  I couldn't breath, I would go pick up Ike from the bus stop and have a complete meltdown.  So, I called my sister in Montana, and pretty much told her that I was going to freak out if she did not let me come visit.  A little bit about Holly...she was at that time a little weird to me.  She home schooled her kids, wore skirts, and actually practiced submitting to her husband.  But she was someone I could trust.   

While I was there I completely broke down one night.  I just cried.  She prayed for me, over me, with me.  I do not remember what she prayed for specifically, but I remember how she prayed, like she knew God, like she had a relationship with Him.

So, I went home with hope in my heart and a list of books to read.  My sister and I prayed that I would find guidance and a church upon returning home. 

A week later, Ike's soccer team started practiving and his coach showed up wearing a John 3:16 shirt.  She invited me to the local AWANAs group and introduced me to Riann...my guide.  Riann and I quickly became friends, even though I completely overwhelmed her with my questioning.

So, my sister showed me, gave me a glimpse of what spiritual life is and Riann helped me, still helps me today, in establishing my relationship with God. 

My son and I are reading the Chronicles of Narnia, there is a part of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader that we read last night.  Eustace is this spoiled brat of a boy and he has been turned into a dragon.  He realizes that all the people that he thought were trying to hurt him, were actually trying to help him.  He is miserable though.  He runs into Aslan...the lion...and Aslan tells him that he has to undress and go into this well to become clean.  So Eustace tries to clean himself off, but each time he does it is unsuccessful.  So, Aslan tells him that he is going to have to do it...

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.  And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt.  The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.  You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place.  It hurts like the billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -  just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass:  only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been.  And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.  Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water.  It smarted like anything but only for a moment.  After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.  And then I saw why.  I'd turned into a boy again."

I have tried my entire life to be worthy of salvation...worthy of my life...just worthy.  I am not though.  It is through Christ that I am saved.  I fail daily.  But this is my year.  This year I will turn my life, my entire being to God.  Someone told me that God is persistent, loving and patient, so I know that I will not fail in the end.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


So, I am giving my testimony in church tomorrow.  It has been a rough week.  I almost called the pastor and asked if I could reschedule or just forgo it all together.  I feel like an impostor, a fake, a fraud. 

It has been a hard week of looking back at what has brought me here.  The mistakes I have made, how they have affected my children...how they are still affecting my children.  It is a lot to think about.  It is easy to look back and see where you have failed and become so morose about it all.  It is easy to think about what would have happened, if only I had done this instead of this.  That isn't life though.  I do not know what would have happened, and it is a waste of my time to think about it.  I do know that in my sin I turned away from God and know that I am really weary of doing that again. 

So, I am trying to move forward...keep moving forward.  I am trying to align my plan with God's plan...correction...I am trying to dispose of my plan and follow where God leads me.  What does that look like?  I don't know...I just started today...maybe a couple of hours ago to be exact(:  All I know is that there is hope.  His mercies are new every morning.  He is persistent, patient and loving.  He has it all covered.

Come to me, 
all who labor and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest.  
Take my yoke upon you, 
and learn from me, 
for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 
and you will find rest for your souls.  
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

Monday, April 19, 2010


So, the Davis Family is sick again.  It seems like we have been sick all winter long.  We did the whole cold/cough thing a couple of times and then moved on to the vomiting..which was crazy awful...then diarrhea stuck around for a long time...now we are back to colds. 

Obviously things have been kind of crazy here lately because Ike is constantly keeping an eye on me...making sure I am not crying, that I am okay.  I feel awful that he has this burden.  Today I went to go talk to JQ, who had just been sent to her room for the millionth time, it was a bad day.  I found her in her bed, hiding her hands, refusing to tell me what she had gotten into.  I just cried, I am so tired, sick and just frustrated with her behavior as of late.  So, now I have her checking on me, making sure that I am not crying. 

Selfishly, I cannot help but think that some of this would not be happening, some of this would be easier to deal with if...if only my husband came home every night.  So, I heard about this lady who was talking to some other ladies, the later were complaining about their husbands antics and the such...something I never do(:  But the first lady said something about how her husband had died and how she wished every night that she would stumble over his dirty laundry...find his trash on the counter...stand confused at his inability to load the dishwasher...etc.  The story was supposed to give me a bit of perspective.  Perhaps encourage me to find a little grace in my heart to give to my own husband. 

Is there a balance though?  I cannot imagine a life without my husband, nor do I wish it.  But really, is it too much to ask for a little help?  He cleans out the car...stuffs everything in a couple of bags and leaves it next to the front door to crowd our entry way...is it too much to ask for him to complete the job?  I would have been fine with the stuff being left in the car!!!  I know that his work is hard, leaves him feeling drained...I am tired of seconds though...I am tired of trying to feel grateful for the seconds...the leftovers. 

This is today though, thankfully I will awaken tomorrow to a new day, with new mercies (Thank you Lord).  Tomorrow the sun will be shining and the kids and I will hopefully be well enough to make it outside of the house to enjoy it.  Tomorrow I will succeed at something other than failing.  Today was Monday...really...I should just be happy that I made it through it. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Eleanor Rian

3 weeks and 5 days

That is how long I have until my due date.  It seems so far away, but at the same time, it seems like it might as well be tomorrow.  I am tired.  I am already drained and the baby is not even here.  I am already feeling defeated, and the baby is not even here.  I have no plan, but I need one.  What am I going to do with the kids while I am nursing?  How am I going to keep up with life?  How am I going to loose weight?  How am I going to keep up with my quiet times? 

I do not know.  I am physically tired and emotionally exhausted.  I feel like I need time to myself, yet there is always something, someone who needs a piece of me.  Sacrifice.  Christ sacrificed himself for me.  He selflessly took on more than I will ever take on.  Perspective, that is what I need.  Remembering to cling to him...that is what I need to remember to do.  I need to persist in finding the sun in the gloomy day.  I need to find a way to get laundry done and put away in the same day(: 

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


So we lift up our voices and open our hands
Let go of the things that have kept us from Him.
-David Crowder Band

Let go of the things that have kept us from Him...that is me...how do I let go of myself?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Brother

So, I have a little brother.  I think the world of him.  Seriously...I hold him as close to my heart as I do my husband or my children.  Last week he was beaten, no, savagely attacked...assaulted.  His jaw was broken so badly and so many teeth were missing that they just pieced together his jaw and are planning on a secondary surgery to reconstruct his jaw.  Thankfully my parents were able to go out to him and take care of him for a bit.  The surgeon said that he is lucky to be alive...especially lucky to not have any brain damage.  This is my brother, someone that I hold so dearly.  I have totally been blind sided by this.  I think we all have.  I take life for granted everyday.  I purchase the best car seats, look both ways before crossing the street, I make sure my kids are protected from the sun.  How do I protect them from this?  I don't.  I let them know the dangers that are out there.  They need to know their own mortality.  Not everything in life makes sense.  So, you conquer and overcome what doesn't.  I do pray though that somehow God will just use this to draw my brother closer to Him.  I look at my own life, how God never let me go...he won the battle with me...I am His...I know He can also win the battle for my brother, for my dad, for anyone who is lost.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Mother/Daughter Bonding

So, we have all been sick.  Last Thursday Alexander was sick and one by one we have all fallen to this sickness of barfing, well, with the exception of Ike.  Jacquelyn could not seem to beat it though.  Each day she woke up, her usual energetic self and then would barf later on, but she seemed fine.

So, we decided to head to New York, thinking oh JQ will be better tomorrow.  Well, she did not get better.  Long story short...we ended up in the ER on Staten Island.

Dan dropped JQ and I off and we waited forever(:  I have to say, I did not mind it very much.  Our lives have gotten so busy, it was nice to spend a moment with Jacquelyn alone.  She just wanted to sit on my lap and be comforted by me. 

I want to type this out, I want to remember this in every detail, but the words are not really flowing through my fingers today. 

At one point they decided to put an IV in.  So, I held Jacquelyn down.  I held her arm and watched the terror in her eyes, watched the tears flow.  I found my voice though and demanded that she look at me..."Look at mama Jacquelyn...look at me Jacquelyn..." those were the words coming out of my mouth.  She looked at me and she put the arm I was holding around my neck and said, "Mama they are hurting my arm."  She was not mad at me though, she sought comfort from me.  I was able to give her comfort and satisfy her.  They ended up having to try the other arm.  Then the IV, whatever it is called, went bad while they were pumping fluids in her.  So, I was faced with having to hold her down again...I almost threw up...I almost fainted.  But luckily enough some fluids got in...they gave us this magical medicine to stop her vomiting...she ate some popsicles...and was back to normal, well we are still pumping fluids in her and trying to fend off the dehydration. 

But....last night we were taking a nap and she rolled over and faced me.  She held my face in her hands, just like I held hers the night previously, she said, "Close your eyes mama, you will feel better," while softly running her hands over my cheeks, my eyebrows, my nose, "I love you Mama."  I do not even know what else to say....

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I will cast all my cares upon You.

Today is the last day of February.  It is gone and I am sad.  I hate this month, but at the same time it hurts to see it go. 

Because I need to let go.  I have nothing...my arms are empty...I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  I am angry, I am resentful, I seek vengeance for my suffering.  It will do nothing though.  All of these hurts that I have accumulated cannot be satiated by anything here on earth. 

So, I pray.  I pray as these hurts arise that Christ will take care of them.  I ask him to bear them for me.  I am letting go, sometimes unwillingly.  They are no longer my hurts to bear though.  They were never my hurts to begin with yet desperately I have clung to them, still frantically I chase after them. 

This is my year though.  This is the year that I turn my heart, my mind, my being to God.  So, today I give up my Luke.  I will always dream about him, remembering the day he was born/died.  I will remember to secretly celebrate the day I wanted him to be born.  Remember what it felt like when he kicked at the same times everyday.  I will remember the outfit I wore the day after I found out that he had hydrocephalus and spina bifida. 

I will remember it all because I never want there to be a day...an hour...even a minute that I so completely and totally turn my heart, my mind, my being from God.

Monday, February 8, 2010

"The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis

Ike and I are reading this book right now...a chapter a night.  Usually we come to the end of the chapter and want to read more, tonight was no exception.  I love this passage.  I do not think I have ever loved something printed on paper so much my entire life.  It is a thing of beauty and it will draw me in to read it over and over again.

What a different way to look at life.  God finds me so special, so worthwhile that he brings trials into my life, not to hurt me, but to make me better.  I know this, I have known this, but tonight I realized it.  So, take a minute and read the following...

“I can’t see you at all,” said Shasta, after staring very hard. Then (for an even more terrible idea had come into his head) he said, in almost a scream, “You’re not–not something dead, are you? Oh please–please do go away. What harm have I ever done you? Oh, I am the unluckiest person in the whole world!”

Once more he felt the warm breath of the Thing on his hand and face. “There,” it said, “that is not the breath of a ghost. Tell me your sorrows.”

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by the lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

“I do not call you unfortunate,” said the Large Voice.

“Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?” said Shasta.

“There was only one lion,” said the Voice.

“What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two the first night and–”

“There was only one: but he was swift of foot.”

“How do you know?”

“I was the lion.” And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. “I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.”

“Then it was you who wounded Aravis?”

“It was I.”

“But what for?”

“Child,” said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

“Who are you?” asked Shasta.

“Myself,” said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again “Myself,” loud and clear and gay: and then the third time “Myself,” whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all around you as if the leaves rustled with it.

Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad too.

The mist was turning from black to gray and from gray to white. This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the Thing he had not been noticing anything else. Now, the whiteness around him became a shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink. Somewhere ahead he could hear birds singing. He knew the night was over at last. He could see the mane and ears and head of the horse quite easily now. A golden light fell on them from the left. He thought it was the sun.

He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than the horse, a Lion. The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or else could not see it. It was from the Lion that the light came. No one ever saw anything more terrible or beautiful.

Luckily Shasta had lived all his life too far south in Calormen to have heard the tales that were whispered in Tashbaan about a dreadful Narnian demon that appeared in the form of a lion. And of course he knew none of the true stories about Aslan, the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-over-the-sea, the King above all High Kings in Narnia. But after one glance at the Lion’s face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet. He couldn’t say anything but then he didn’t want to say anything, and he knew he needn’t say anything.

The High King above all kings stooped toward him. Its mane, and some strange solemn perfume that hung about the mane, was all around him. It touched his forehead with its tongue. He lifted his face and their eyes met. Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory and gathered themselves up and disappeared. He was alone with the horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky. And there were birds singing.


So, I must be feeling a little poetic lately...

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gales is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

We drove home from picking Ike up from class, Alexander threw a tantrum....all the way home.  He is so angry sometimes and it really concerns me.  We were sitting down to eat lunch a few minutes later and Alexander folded his hands together and looked up at me saying, "Pray?".  Hope.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines...

Well, not really...but that is the start to one of my favorite poems by Pablo Neruda.  The first part of the poem starts as follows:
Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Write, for example, the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

I memorized it completely one night that I was broken up with...I thought I knew pain then(:

Today I cried in church.  My entire life I have cried in church, just been overwhelmed by emotions, but always tried to stop it.  Today I cried unchecked.  I did nothing to stop the abundance of tears that were streaming down my face.  I walked into church late as they were singing the last lines of "Lead Me to the Cross".  I fumbled with a stranger to find a seat in the back.  I sat in the very last row with Ike in my arms crying...trying to explain that I was not sad...not in the way he was thinking.

It feels so good to be in the land of the living again, even if it means that I will cry each and every Sunday.  It is okay.  Just to feel again...it is coming back.  With this grief that is leaving my body, joy will replace it.  I am wretched...I am...but He is persistently, patiently and lovingly willing to change me.  May I never turn back, I will stumble, but may I never turn back.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

You Will Not Abandon My Soul

Preserve me, O God, for in you
I take refuge.  
I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the 
excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after
another god shall multiply;
their drink offerering of blood I will
not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant 
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart
instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall
not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my 
whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to
or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of
at your right hand are pleasures

Psalm 16

Monday, February 1, 2010


I hate February, with all my might, I hate this month.

I want to hide away, I want to sleep this month away.  I want to wake up one morning and look outside and see that March has come. 

February is the month in which I choose to end my own child's life. 

I hate that it creeps up on me.  Each day I awaken to the thought that my life should be different.   There is never really a moment that passes that I do not think of Luke.  Do I have closure?  How can I have closure?  How can I feel right about this?  There is a constant inner dialogue that plays in my head...if only you had done this...then in the deepest darkest corner of my heart there is that little voice that says what if you had done that?  Would it have been any better?  He would have suffered, how he would have suffered.  How can I not have turmoil?

My soul continually remembers it
   and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
   and therefore I have hope:
 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
   "therefore I will hope in him."
 The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
   to the soul who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:20-25

Me with JQ...evidence of God's mercy.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Red-winged Black Birds

My favorite bird of all time is a seagull, but before the seagull was my favorite the red-winged black bird was my favorite.  They are these beautiful birds that are so prevalent in Indiana...well at least where I lived in Indiana.

It is so cold here, so cold that we cannot even take our little ones outside.  So, this weekend we decided to take a trip to IKEA.  I needed a bookshelf for Ike's home schooling stuff and I am always eager to check out the fabric selection.  We always hit the clearance section too, just for fun.  Well, this time I found a door, just a cupboard door and suddenly I was hit with a bit of inspiration.  So, after talking with Dan about it...getting him a little inspired...the following is what we came up with...

I wanted to use my favorite fabric of all time, which was of course covered in seagulls...but it was too light-weight and would have required interfacing, which I did not have on hand!  So, if you will notice on the lower right hand corner, there are two red-winged black birds!  Dan put magnetic strips above and below...there are extra sewing feet and bobbins in the top canisters and then I use the bottom for scissors and other misc things.  Pretty cool, huh?  Life is not so bad....


Here is another view of it...along with a glimpse of my sewing machine/friend.  Below are some notebooks my mom and I made while she was here...for her friends back home.  While she was here we hemmed one skirt, finished one dress, sewed three bags, cut out 15 bags, made one diaper changing pad, several little makeup bags, covered 6 journals, made a messenger bag for Ike's Bible, and completed 7 pairs of pajama pants.  We were busy(:  And we were both sick.  I am still sick...

I Want to Go Home!

I want to go home, says the military brat, who has never had a home.  But, that is the way I feel.  I want to go home.  Where to though?

I want to go home to my husband's arms.  But I cannot, not physically...because he is gone and not emotionally because my heart is so hardened. 

Why is it so hard to just let myself go?  Why do I hold back?  Yes, I have been hurt, but so has he.  I miss him so much when he is gone, but when he is here I totally turn away from him.  We live our lives waiting for him to come home.  When he is here, our lives stop.  We stop cleaning the house, stop school, stop everything because he is home.  Then he leaves and suddenly we have all these dishes to clean, tires to change, the list goes on.

I want to live.  I want to stop surviving because that is what I am doing now.  Barely.

Okay...so the optimist in me is saying I should say something positive to balance out this post.  There are plenty of positive things...I went to go wake up my youngest from his late slumber and he was standing in his crib, contentedly looking out the window.  He glanced over to me, smiled and said, "Carry me."  Why can I not just focus on the positives?  Why can I not just absorb all the good and just turn away from getting carried away by the negative?

So, I am going to go...go put together a tuna puzzle, go for a walk, maybe make some bags....

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Hello Sunshine!

Here it is...my sewing cabinet, with a little ray of light welcoming me from her favorite hiding place.

A gift for baby Emma.

The gift unfolded.  I suck at binding, that is why there are no close ups(:  But the edging is baby wale corduroy, which is also found on the back.  It is luscious!  Perfect size for an infant carrier cover.  I am so glad to have my machine back!

Hope and Hard Lessons

This picture has nothing to do with my post...I just like it.

So, this week I worked on drawing closer to God...which is standards ops for me.  Let me share with you a little what I learned. 

There is a lady I church that I really would like to get together with, but she keeps putting me off.  Saying she will get to my requests (via email, facebook and even personal encounters) later.  It has really hurt my feelings...blah blah blah.  She even offered to provide mentoring and I really feel like she has not come through.  Then I started turning the tables...hmmm...why does this sound SO familiar?  Because I am that lady.  God is persistently, patiently and lovingly asking to be a part of my life.  He has this plan for me and I keep saying oh yeah...later.  It just was kind of sobering to think that the feelings that I am having might be the feelings that Christ might be having as I am constantly putting things above him on my list of things to do.  Part of me is turned towards God, wanting to follow him...but what about my heart?  Is my heart, my mind wholly surrendered to him?  No.

This is my year though.  During the 33rd year of my life I will turn my being towards God.  I will lose myself in him.  I can say this with confidence because he is persistent, loving and patient.  He has a plan for my life a wonderful plan, how special am I?

Monday, January 4, 2010

More on the jacket...

Okay, so I finally wrapped this gift and even hand delivered it!  I wrapped it in muslin with a neat little bow.  I was going to have Ike add some artwork to the muslin, but I could not find the fabric pens(:

Whoops!  This is Alexander who has started posing when the camera comes out!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Crafty, second time around...

My neighbor is having a baby, I just found out that they think the baby will come within the next 48 hours!  I really wanted to make something for her...here is my attempt...

It is really hard to make a jacket look interesting!

It is lined with corduroy...super soft corduroy...

I made a lot of mistakes, but I am hoping that maybe she will not notice that until later.

Here is Jacquelyn...I had to include a picture of her.  Got to love those curls.

Fun in the snow!!

So, I have been taking an antidepressant for the past 7 months.  I cannot believe that it has already been that long.  I have always struggled with depression and I mean always.  It was not just this thing that popped up when I was a teenager.  But, I guess I realized I needed help after everything happened with Luke.  Since then, I have been on and off an antidepressant.  Off while pregnant and nursing...on when I was not.  This time it was really hard to come off the antidepressant.  I really struggled.  I seriously just wanted to sleep, that is it.  I still just want to sleep to some extent, but am getting my energy back to face the world(:  There were a couple of days that I just wanted Dan to take me to the ER...something...to make me stop feeling the way I felt.  Okay, so those days are over with, but I just wanted to note it in my blog.  Really, it was only two weeks of emotionally feeling awful (I am still feeling the physical reproccussions), but during the time it seemed like a decade.  I like looking through my previous posts and remembering what I was feeling...seeing what baby steps I have made in growing.  So, that is that...on to the good stuff!

Yesterday we went sledding.  This is the first day that I peeled myself out of my pjs and put some real clothes on willingly...not out of obligation!  As I threw my pjs on the bed, Dan commented that he was surprised that they did not stand on their own.  He has been really tolerant of me...really loving...so I am grateful.  BUT!!!  We went sledding and I captured a few of the million smiles of that day on camera.  So, without further delay...

My sweet, still toothless, Ike.

JQ and Alexander smiling, full-tilt!  That is chocolate on Alexander's face, it was on clearance where we bought the sleds!

I just love this one...his eyes are closed...I just love it!

I have a million more...maybe I will randomly post them later.  I heard on the radio the other day that we choose our attitudes.  We choose to "consider it all joy".  With God's grace that is where I am right now.  It was a really rough couple of weeks, but now I know.  What will I do the next time I am not pregnant or breastfeeding?  Something to be prayerful and mindful about, for sure!