I Want to Go Home!

I want to go home, says the military brat, who has never had a home.  But, that is the way I feel.  I want to go home.  Where to though?

I want to go home to my husband's arms.  But I cannot, not physically...because he is gone and not emotionally because my heart is so hardened. 

Why is it so hard to just let myself go?  Why do I hold back?  Yes, I have been hurt, but so has he.  I miss him so much when he is gone, but when he is here I totally turn away from him.  We live our lives waiting for him to come home.  When he is here, our lives stop.  We stop cleaning the house, stop school, stop everything because he is home.  Then he leaves and suddenly we have all these dishes to clean, tires to change, the list goes on.

I want to live.  I want to stop surviving because that is what I am doing now.  Barely.

Okay...so the optimist in me is saying I should say something positive to balance out this post.  There are plenty of positive things...I went to go wake up my youngest from his late slumber and he was standing in his crib, contentedly looking out the window.  He glanced over to me, smiled and said, "Carry me."  Why can I not just focus on the positives?  Why can I not just absorb all the good and just turn away from getting carried away by the negative?

So, I am going to go...go put together a tuna puzzle, go for a walk, maybe make some bags....