Thursday, March 1, 2012

Bare...not there

It seems like I am so lost these days. 

Really struggling...wanting to go somewhere...but not wanting to put the work in to move. 

Have you ever had something awful and unexpected happen?  Like a death?  There is this emptiness that consumes you.  Almost a numbness that passes over you. 

I feel that way...except there is not a death, nothing tragic has happened. 

Some days I awaken and it is not there, and I think that maybe that feeling was just a dream, that I really can deal with "this" not really knowing what "this" is.  But then it comes back, unexpectedly, and I am hit again.

I am such a doer.  I want to do things, I want people to see the goodness inside of me and the goodness that I can do.

But I am not good, and I wonder what am I really doing? 

God has a plan for me.  These things that I busy myself with, they are all for naught...if it isn't within His plan.  So, I wonder why I do it.

What would He have me give up?  What am I really willing to give up?  My sister and I talk and we wonder what we haven't given up, I feel stripped sometimes.  But then there is my sewing, secret fabric purchases (guilty), novels, TV shows, a bookshelf of sewing books that I admit, I totally covet them.  I don't want to give I cling to these things because I deserve them, right?

I wonder what I would look like it I could just strip down the clutter that is inside my heart and within my life.  Would this dread that suffucates me at times visit less frequently? 

What can I live without?  What can I purge so that I can be bare and receptive to God's will?