The day is done...

Today is done and I am left feeling a little empty...a little discouraged.  Maybe even a little mentally challenged?

So, I am reading the book...The Heart of Anger.  I struggle with being angry.  I have passed that onto my children...each one is progressively worse it seems.  Maybe today was just a bad day?  I do not think so though.  I think I had a glimpse of what life will permanently look like if I...we...do not make some changes. 

My husband thinks that everything is okay though.  He says we...I...am trying to fix a problem that is not even there.  I just want someone to come in and fix things.  I want a partner in all this.  I say this, but the voice in the back of my head says...you do have a partner.  I need to be more prayerful and less reactive.  I need to truly turn over my concerns to God. 

Words of encouragement...

You will never be behind!  Just jump back in on the current day and keep going.  The Lord loves perseverance...because He perseveres with us.  The Truth Project, Daily Travelogue

Perhaps you, like Jim and Linda, have forgotten that God will not ask you as a Christian to follow any biblical mandate without providing the grace and ability to carry it out.  The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo

I...we...Christ and I...can do this.

Things I miss about "The Friend"

My family and I left Astoria about 5 months ago.  How much has changed...but really how much is the same?  I am still working (AKA struggling) to create a consistent relationship with Christ.  I am still missing my husband each and everytime he gets underway.  I am still super excited about home schooling...but maybe even more(:  Most of all though I miss my friend...that is the most consistent factor here.

Everytime I go to Starbucks I miss ordering her tall mochas with a ristretto shot(:  I miss our walks downtown to see my favorite birds, her least favorite...seagulls.  I miss visiting her and glancing at our socks to see if we are wearing the same ones.  I miss finding a fabric or a pattern and not having her by myside to dream about future creations.  Today I received an order from Amazon and was so excited until I realized that we could not get together over tea to browse through the pages together.  One time I waited for weeks for an order from Japan to arrive then I waited all day long (in agony) to open the box so we could browse through the contents together.

I miss her encouraging words when I was "in the depths of despair".  She never told me that I was lucky for this, or lucky for that, but it was like she understood my struggles and shared them with me.  She addresses me in emails, not by my name, but as Friend.  What a cherished word that has become to me.

I still miss her, as I will each and everyday of my life that we are separated...but I think I am understanding friendship a little more.  God has blessed me with another friend here.  No friendships are the same and I am starting to enjoy the variety.  I am so thankful for my friend who happens to also be my sister, my friend who is coincidentally my mom, my friend from high school, my friend from Astoria and for my friend from Texas.

Oh and one more thing...about the picture...the line is pointing to the seagull that is flapping it's wings and kind of looking like it is stumbling in the water behind the elegant stable one(:

The Great Comforter

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of
all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those
who are in any affliction, with the comfort
with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3,4

Perfect

Today was my first prenatal visit. An ultrasound was done...there is a baby there(: It is amazing to me how she (I am going for a girl) already is a baby. There are 10 fingers and toes...a perfect body. Perfect.

It was hard to go, or it was hard to be there. The inevitable question of how many pregnancies have you had, how many were to term, always comes up. I did not cry this time. I told the midwife and that we would not go that route again and that at the time it was the best decision we could make. She asked how I felt about it. How do I feel about it? I feel sad and hurt. Why was I ever in the position to have to make that decision? Then I felt suddenly scared, it is easy to say that we will go through with this pregnancy when everything is still perfect. Perfect.

There is no closer to this sorrow in my life, no end to it. It will always be there. I do not wish that it had never been but I just wish...I just wish...I do not even know what I wish. I guess on some days it is just harder than others. Really, I know what I wish. I wish that I could have gained all of this life knowledge, attained the maturity, the empathy, all the life altering "things" without the pain and the sacrifice of some of my innocence. Another selfish statement I am sure.

I called my mom to tell her and said that everything looked good so far. She said that everything would be perfect, everything would be okay. I said yes, it will all be perfect, it will be God's perfection, which is not always the same as mine. It is easier to say that then it is to mean it...I am working on it though(:

I showed Ike the picture and he said, "Wow, so you really are pregnant!" So sweet.

If you have an extra moment to pray, please pray that I would be able to accept God's perfection no matter how far it deviates from my own(: Please pray for perfection in this child.

I am an Israelite...

Ike and I were reviewing his AWANAs stuff yesterday. He asked me to read him the included verse story, which was about the Israelites. Okay, so the major theme of the story...God hates complainers. When you look through the story it is hard to see how the Israelites could complain. God brought them out of Egypt, out of slavery, through the Red Sea...obvious miracles. Personally I would never complain, or would I? What are the things that He does in my life daily...hourly...that I take advantage of? I am an Israelite, but they say that the first step is acceptance, or something like that. So, there is hope(:

I may not complain outloud, but I complain in my heart and I think that it is evident to my children. Whether it is in my heart or on my tongue, it is a sin all the same. So, I am going to purpose to think on what is true...I am going to wake up early and crack my Bible open and memorize scripture. I am going to pray...pray for God to teach me through His word and His Holy Spirit. I am going to pray to become a worthy occupant of this wonderful life He has given me. And if you feel the need...I would be grateful for your prayers as well.

I felt really negative after posting yesterday.

This is what I have come up with. I seek knowledge, but what is it for? I think that what I am looking for is what a university could offer me. What this small group is offering is real life experience, a safe place to seek and offer advice maybe? With that in mind, I think that it totally exceeds my expectations.

Today I took the three little ones to the park. On the way out of the park Ike(I am done with code names) started spinning around in circles with his arms out. Soon JQ followed and lastly Alexander giggled with glee and stuck his arms out. AK couldn't quite get the coordination down to spin and hold his arms up. It was so sweet. They were all laughing and truly enjoying life. Then they found a leaf pile and all jumped in. I would really like to leave and go back to the park now just to relive that one moment...but the babes are asleep. So, I will rely on the videos in my head and hope they stay there permanently.

Still In the Closet

I have this insatiable desire to learn. To know. I think that it is a downfall at times. I keep thinking if I learn this...if I know that...then I can be a good christian...a good wife...a good parent.

I joined, well we joined, a small group recently. I guess I was expecting something different. I was expecting to be fervently writing notes, getting into the scriptures, constantly having that "aha" moment. Okay, so it is not like that. Where do I come by that? Maybe I am too intense? I guess I just figure that time is short, our two years here has already started ticking by. I am impatient. I am going to this church and I feel like it has so much to offer me, in regards to personal growth, and I want the downpour. Wow, that sounded a little selfish...but I mean it in a good way, if that is possible.

Hmmm...back to being in the closet. I want Christ's light to shine in me. I want people to see a child of God, not this disorderly shell. How do I do that? How do I give up my own life? How do I take up the cross daily?

I want it...I am desperately grasping for it...

I read a verse the other week and I think I should read it by the hour, maybe even the minute. It talks about how the Bible and the Holy Spirit were given to us as teachers. That we should look to them for answers to our questions. I am probably totally butchering the verse, but that is what I got out of it. Maybe I should just pray on that daily.

It Is Official

Well, the "official" test came back and I am pregnant.

Uh...almost 11 weeks pregnant.

I have found a hospital to go to and will have a midwife deliver this baby. I have met a really neat girl from my church who happens to be a doula...double fantastic.

So, I am ready for the baby to come, ha ha ha.