Marshmallows...

When I was growing up I read the Babysitter's Club series.  One of the girls in the books was a a health-nut.  Well, her mom was really.  She had never had junk food and never really even wanted to try it.  I was like...when I grow up I am going to be a health nut and my children will only eat healthy food.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?  My children will never eat Oreos or marshmallows so they will prefer granola, dried fruit, and other "healthy" choices.  Hmmm...well, here I am grown up.  The plan didn't work.  My kids love junk food because at some desperate moment in their lives I gave them something savory and sweet to kind of help them keep their mouths shut.  Oh and also, I never kicked the junk food habit myself.  That is actually the reason for the post...my lunch for today...peanut butter crackers and marshmallows.  Maybe my grand kids will be health-nuts?

Hmmm....

So, I have been waiting all day for this opportunity to write in my blog.  I created this blog kind of as an online diary of sorts.  Now I cannot remember what it was that I was going to say and my baby just started to cry.

Hmmm....

Haziness

The past few weeks of my life have been kind of a blur. A lot of exhaustion, anger, snapiness have been exuding from my persona. Maybe even a little self pity at times. Not a lot of self pity though because I am totally and completely aware that it could be worse(:

Resentment, that is a word I can identify with. I resent my husband. I resent him. I feel like I have given my all to him, entrusted myself to him. I feel like he has thrown away this offering and totally left me abandoned. I feel like he knows that I am strong and has taken advantage of it. He has stopped protecting me. I feel used and abused.

So, I was interrupted from continuing on with this blog post...probably a good thing...

JQ has not been able to sleep...have I mentioned that before?  Sleep and bedtime is something that I have worked hard for and my kids have always been good sleepers, it is a prerequisite to be part of our family(:  Ha ha.  So anyways, we have been establishing a new sleep routine, I sing to JQ, pray, hugs and kisses, then she tells me "one more thing", then I shut the door, she cries, I open the door, fix whatever she is crying about and then usually she sleeps.  She asks me to sing to her though, no one has ever wanted to hear my voice, especially after the first time I sing.  So, I have been trying to find new songs to sing to her.  Safe in the Arms of Jesus is one that I wanted to sing to her.  So this afternoon I was playing it on the piano trying to figure out the tune.  While flipping through the pages of the hymnal, I happened upon Trust and Obey.  This is why I rerouted this post.

Not a shadow can rise,

Not a cloud in the skies,

But His smile quickly drives it away;

Not a doubt nor a fear, 

Not a sigh nor a tear.

Can abide while we Trust and obey.

Not a doubt nor a fear, Not a sigh nor a tear.  That is what these past weeks have been full of:  Tears, Fears, Doubts and Sighs.  I know what I am responsible for.  I did not choose these responsibilities.  

You are the light of the world.

A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.

Matthew 5:14

I am to be a light.  A light to my family, to my friends, to the world.  So, I am to trust and obey...that will drive away the anger, the resentment, the snapiness.  So...according to Pastor Keith...my light bulb is already turned on(Christ is in my heart), but maybe it isn't shining as brightly because it needs to be dusted off.  

He must increase, I must decrease.

John 3:30

Labels

So this past week I was talking to a friend about Jacquelyn.  She has had a rough go the past couple of months.  I have figured out that it has to do with Dan being gone.  So, I know why she is behaving the way she is behaving...what next?  So, this friend said that I should take JQ to the doctor because she might be ADHD.  I do not remember anything else about the conversation...my child...ADHD...

So, I talked to another friend, because I was just sick to my stomach, a lot of fear.  I have always said that I do not really believe in ADHD, or that it is overdiagnosed.  My friend said, so what?  Are you going to give her medication for it?  No, of course not.  Then so what?  What if she does have ADHD, what are you going to do about it.  Hmmm...nothing really...treat her the same way we treat our other kids...raise her the same way.  I just don't want her to be labeled, that is it, I do not want a label assigned to my child. 

Labels are hurtful, truthful, misleading, pleasing...what labels do you hold?  There are so many labels that I cling too...depressed, single(though married), blonde...the list goes on.  What do I want to be identified as though?  I want to be identified as a light for Jesus.  I want people to seek me out, not because I look like I need help or I look like I am put together...I want people to seek me out not because of me, but because of Him.  I need more of Him and less of me. Where is my easy button...because this is not so easy, but it is, it should be!