Clarity in Cheesecake

We took a trip to New York this week. Really, I just got home! But by the time I post this, it might be tomorrow or the next day. I just wanted to get it started, so I did not forget.

So, it is now Tuesday I and I am getting back to this post. Life...

My favorite place in New York is Grand Central Station. Which is totally not like me. I hate crowded places and suffer from minor claustrophobia. But you can get fantastic cheesecake there. Last time we went we bought one and only ate a few bites and then left it in our hotel room. Seriously, if that isn't evident of my sinful nature... So, ever since I have been dreaming of this cheesecake.

Well, on our second day we went to Grand Central Station twice! So much fun. The second time around we purchased our cheesecake and then sat down on some benches and ate it. All five of us. We laughed, joked and ate. I can pause and go back there to that moment right now. It is frozen in my mind. I wish I could explain it here. Maybe you have had a moment like this. Where it is all okay. You realize that you do have a dirty house to go home to, there are things that definitely need to get done ASAP...but you enjoy the moment. You savor and appreciate that moment. GI was by my side eating huge bites of cheesecake, just like his Papa, who was on my other side. AK was on his Papa's lap enjoying being fed cheesecake by both Dan and I. JQ was sitting satisfied in her stroller. I am sure we were being watched...but it didn't matter. It was our moment. It was nice to leave all the hurts, things to get done, LIFE behind for a moment.

Thank you Lord, thank you for this moment. Thank you for all my moments that have led up to this one. Just thank you.

Forgiveness

Five years ago this past February I had an abortion. What a harsh word. This is the first time I have ever used it in reference to myself.

I was pregnant with our second child. Our sweet Luke. It hurts to even talk about this. It hurts to think about it, but it is on my mind daily...hourly...sometimes even by the minute.

I found out that Luke had hydrocephalus and spina bifida. On the ultrasound you could see his one leg kicking, his other was already paralyzed. The doctor said that by the end of the pregnancy he would not even be able to move the then mobile leg. We were determined to see the pregnancy though...abortion...unheard of.

One night I woke up, not sure if I had really ever slept, I knew that I could not go through with the pregnancy. I could not bear the thought of people staring at my child wondering what was wrong with him. I could not bear the thought that he would never have real control over his bowels or be able to walk on his own. All of this selfishness. Most of all though I could not stand the thought that with all of this physical pain and suffering that his poor body was bound to go through, he might not have full mental capacity. With the hydrocephalus his brain was being pushed through the foramen magnum...or whatever that orifice is called...and brain damage was already evident.

I hate myself for this story of my life. I hate the thought that I did this to my body, to his body. What right did I have? I defended my position at first. I was preventing him from all this pain and suffering.

What right was it of mine though? None.

I continually ask for God's forgiveness. But on days like today I feel like I do not deserve it. He is so great and merciful to me. I have done nothing. I have done the opposite of nothing which is worse.

But daily He gives me hope. We are barely pregnant now, this will be my fifth pregnancy. I pray continually for the health of this baby, for my own body, but most of all I pray that I will continually trust in God. I want to see His plan for my life, I want to live His plan. Constantly, I want to seek out His guidance.

Labor Day

Okay! It has officially been a week since I have been able to hear normally. I have noticed some good things about not being able to hear...one is selective hearing...seriously...enough said.

We kayaked to Rose Island yesterday and it was so much fun. So, the getting out and kayaking part was not so fun. I had to remind myself a few times that I am the wife and am called to respect my husband. I have been so moody lately, just sick and tired I suppose. It all worked out though. The island is beautiful and you can actually stay a week on it and be a lighthouse keeper. Of course you have to pay, but what fun! We had a scrumptious picnic of chewy bread, Havarti, fresh fruit and ginger ale. It was delightful. Then we hiked around the island, which is also a nature preserve. I do have a few pictures...to post later. It was good to soak up the sun and put my kayaking muscles back to work.

My favorite thing...we were all so beat after our venture that we came home got in our bed and watched Scooby Doo and ate more of the aforementioned food.

Nightmares

Last night I had a nightmare, I woke up and was beside myself.

It seemed to last the entire night, but I can explain it very briefly. Dan, the kids and I were in the midst of some war. The military police came for us and were going to execute us. We had the choice of giving them our children so they would not be executed or they could be executed with us. The decision was up to me. I at first said yes because I did not want to let them be subject to whatever these people would do to them. Then a small voice in me said, "Is deciding when my children are going to die really my choice? Where is your faith in God?"

Then I quickly awoke and was beside myself. I just prayed, prayed that if I was ever in that situation that I would make the right choice and gave thanks because at this moment I am not faced with that situation. Throughout today I have been thinking of this dream, to no avail of course. I just needed to get it out, to stop thinking about it.

It has been a hard week. The Husband left for an extended trip right when we were getting ill. Soon after he left I went to the doctor...double ear infection. The medicine prescribed to me is reeking havoc on my body. I cannot hear and have three kids to care for. Today I slept in until 9am...not on purpose. I could not hear my alarm that was supposed to wake me and then slept through the cries of my poor baby. I received news last night that my husband's trip was extended for 2 days. So where is the joy in this...?

I made a library bag for GI
I am finishing up a pair of pants for AK
I am reading a wonderful book that will help me form my children's worldview
I am saved, through God's gift of Jesus
I have a son that creates gifts for me and comforts me with his words.
I will regain my hearing back
I get to see my children smiling even though I cannot hear their peals of laughter