Five years ago this past February I had an abortion. What a harsh word. This is the first time I have ever used it in reference to myself.
I was pregnant with our second child. Our sweet Luke. It hurts to even talk about this. It hurts to think about it, but it is on my mind daily...hourly...sometimes even by the minute.
I found out that Luke had hydrocephalus and spina bifida. On the ultrasound you could see his one leg kicking, his other was already paralyzed. The doctor said that by the end of the pregnancy he would not even be able to move the then mobile leg. We were determined to see the pregnancy though...abortion...unheard of.
One night I woke up, not sure if I had really ever slept, I knew that I could not go through with the pregnancy. I could not bear the thought of people staring at my child wondering what was wrong with him. I could not bear the thought that he would never have real control over his bowels or be able to walk on his own. All of this selfishness. Most of all though I could not stand the thought that with all of this physical pain and suffering that his poor body was bound to go through, he might not have full mental capacity. With the hydrocephalus his brain was being pushed through the foramen magnum...or whatever that orifice is called...and brain damage was already evident.
I hate myself for this story of my life. I hate the thought that I did this to my body, to his body. What right did I have? I defended my position at first. I was preventing him from all this pain and suffering.
What right was it of mine though? None.
I continually ask for God's forgiveness. But on days like today I feel like I do not deserve it. He is so great and merciful to me. I have done nothing. I have done the opposite of nothing which is worse.
But daily He gives me hope. We are barely pregnant now, this will be my fifth pregnancy. I pray continually for the health of this baby, for my own body, but most of all I pray that I will continually trust in God. I want to see His plan for my life, I want to live His plan. Constantly, I want to seek out His guidance.
Jayne - I'm so sorry for your experience. I can honestly say without a doubt that I would share ALL those emotions and feelings. Thankfully we have a great God who extends mercy and grace to those (all of us) who don't deserve it. I'll be praying for you and your pregnancy and the ability to forgive yourself b/c Jesus aready has!
ReplyDeletejayne, your friend gave me your blog address and has been keeping me updated on your current doings...i couln't leave this latest post unacknowledged...i am so sorry you have had to carry this. i wish we were all together in her dining room right now, arms around one another, just hugging and holding. you are loved by us all. mona
ReplyDeleteAh, jayne...thank you for sharing and being openly honest...something I think often when confessing to God is that it is not his grace or his mercy that I appeal to, though He is both those. It is His justice...He is faithful and JUST to forgive us our sins. Somehow that is helpful to me, to know He forgives because of He is just, not because He will give me a little more grace....though He does do that, too. I am so, so thankful for you and your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAbbie
I too, am sorry you had to go through such a tragedy. God knows your heart. He knows and you ARE forgiven. The circumstances that were handed to you were impossible one way or the other. I cannot imagine.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you daily... and for Penny too!