Saturday, December 29, 2012

Changing My Name

Recently, I changed my email address.  Okay, I am undergoing the process of changing my email address.

Long story short, "just jayne" was taken.  "jayne and the daffodils" was available.  I want to be "just jayne", but the more I try to be that, the further away it takes me from God, from my family.  The more I try to carve out time for myself, the less I can find it. 

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth is my favorite poem.  To me, the busyness of life is talked about, the overwhelmingness that comes with living life...the journey.  He closes his eyes as he sits on the couch and he remembers the daffodils...beside the lake...beneath the the breeze.  The circling, the twirling of life.  The violent ways that we spin and become confused...then we have a moment of utter calm and remember.  We remember the daffodils...the children that came into this world as helpless infants, the moment we first laid eyes on our love...  Our own violent spinning stops and we see that we can move independently of the spin of the world.  We have our eyes focused on a "prize"... 

My husband, AKA, The world's greatest (LOL)
My children
That grey elephant fabric
My Chinese red sewing table

How about these for a prize, what about these for daffodils....

God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me


So, I am changing my name.  Because I am not "just jayne", though I still love the bareness of it.

jayne and the daffodils

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Bare...not there

It seems like I am so lost these days. 

Really struggling...wanting to go somewhere...but not wanting to put the work in to move. 

Have you ever had something awful and unexpected happen?  Like a death?  There is this emptiness that consumes you.  Almost a numbness that passes over you. 

I feel that way...except there is not a death, nothing tragic has happened. 

Some days I awaken and it is not there, and I think that maybe that feeling was just a dream, that I really can deal with "this" not really knowing what "this" is.  But then it comes back, unexpectedly, and I am hit again.

I am such a doer.  I want to do things, I want people to see the goodness inside of me and the goodness that I can do.

But I am not good, and I wonder what am I really doing? 

God has a plan for me.  These things that I busy myself with, they are all for naught...if it isn't within His plan.  So, I wonder why I do it.

What would He have me give up?  What am I really willing to give up?  My sister and I talk and we wonder what we haven't given up, I feel stripped sometimes.  But then there is my sewing, secret fabric purchases (guilty), novels, TV shows, a bookshelf of sewing books that I admit, I totally covet them.  I don't want to give I cling to these things because I deserve them, right?

I wonder what I would look like it I could just strip down the clutter that is inside my heart and within my life.  Would this dread that suffucates me at times visit less frequently? 

What can I live without?  What can I purge so that I can be bare and receptive to God's will?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I love all things Japanese

I lived in Japan for about two years when I was growing up.  I loved it there.  I love Japan.  I am trying to think in my head right now (not sure where else you think) how to explain the way it makes me feel. 

Japan...cherry blossoms
Japan...colorful coy fish
Japan...intricate beauty in the most simplest of things
Japan...every little thing has these amazing layers of beauty

I can't do it.  I cannot conjure up words that describe the images, the feelings of peace that surge through my being when my thoughts turn to Japan. 

So, you can imagine how surprised I was when I found out that there was something that I did not like about Japan.  Hashimoto's.  It is an auto-immune disease that destroys your thyroid.  I have Hashimoto's.  I am grateful to have a diagnosis.  Grateful because I didn't cause this.  It is not my life that is causing me to be tired, lose my hair, be depressed.  Sure, I do have a busy life and it leads to tiredness, but having four kids, homeschooling has not caused this bit of anguish in my life.  Even though there isn't a cure for this, I cannot take a pill to take away the symptoms, I can find relief that I didn't do something to deserve this. 

Just a word to pass on.  If a friend comes to you saying she knows that she is sick, but cannot figure out what is wrong with here.  Don't tell her she is tired because she has kids and a busy life.  It is not helpful.  Well, it wasn't to me(:  Not sure what you should say though...

Saturday, January 7, 2012


I have been thinking lately.  Thinking lately that I would rather blog than spend time on FB.  Rather send emails or better yet letters...distance myself from technology.  I don 't really spend a lot of time on FB...or do I?  I find myself checking it when I going from one event to the next.  I think that it might be time to rearrange my life.  So, stand by for more posting...hmmm...we will see(: