It seems like I am so lost these days.
Really struggling...wanting to go somewhere...but not wanting to put the work in to move.
Have you ever had something awful and unexpected happen? Like a death? There is this emptiness that consumes you. Almost a numbness that passes over you.
I feel that way...except there is not a death, nothing tragic has happened.
Some days I awaken and it is not there, and I think that maybe that feeling was just a dream, that I really can deal with "this" not really knowing what "this" is. But then it comes back, unexpectedly, and I am hit again.
I am such a doer. I want to do things, I want people to see the goodness inside of me and the goodness that I can do.
But I am not good, and I wonder what am I really doing?
God has a plan for me. These things that I busy myself with, they are all for naught...if it isn't within His plan. So, I wonder why I do it.
What would He have me give up? What am I really willing to give up? My sister and I talk and we wonder what we haven't given up, I feel stripped sometimes. But then there is my sewing, secret fabric purchases (guilty), novels, TV shows, a bookshelf of sewing books that I admit, I totally covet them. I don't want to give in...so I cling to these things because I deserve them, right?
I wonder what I would look like it I could just strip down the clutter that is inside my heart and within my life. Would this dread that suffucates me at times visit less frequently?
What can I live without? What can I purge so that I can be bare and receptive to God's will?