Perfect

Today was my first prenatal visit. An ultrasound was done...there is a baby there(: It is amazing to me how she (I am going for a girl) already is a baby. There are 10 fingers and toes...a perfect body. Perfect.

It was hard to go, or it was hard to be there. The inevitable question of how many pregnancies have you had, how many were to term, always comes up. I did not cry this time. I told the midwife and that we would not go that route again and that at the time it was the best decision we could make. She asked how I felt about it. How do I feel about it? I feel sad and hurt. Why was I ever in the position to have to make that decision? Then I felt suddenly scared, it is easy to say that we will go through with this pregnancy when everything is still perfect. Perfect.

There is no closer to this sorrow in my life, no end to it. It will always be there. I do not wish that it had never been but I just wish...I just wish...I do not even know what I wish. I guess on some days it is just harder than others. Really, I know what I wish. I wish that I could have gained all of this life knowledge, attained the maturity, the empathy, all the life altering "things" without the pain and the sacrifice of some of my innocence. Another selfish statement I am sure.

I called my mom to tell her and said that everything looked good so far. She said that everything would be perfect, everything would be okay. I said yes, it will all be perfect, it will be God's perfection, which is not always the same as mine. It is easier to say that then it is to mean it...I am working on it though(:

I showed Ike the picture and he said, "Wow, so you really are pregnant!" So sweet.

If you have an extra moment to pray, please pray that I would be able to accept God's perfection no matter how far it deviates from my own(: Please pray for perfection in this child.