My testimony...I cried throughout the entire thing(:

I have been a Christian my entire life..VBS, 5 day clubs, Sunday school...the whole 9 yards. 

(At this point I paused to point out that I was pregnant and very emotional, I thought they might need and explanation because I was pretty much sobbing.)

But I was not born again.

John Piper says it best, "They are cultural Christians.  Religion is a formal, external thing.  There has been no true inner awakening from spiritual death to spiritual life. 

So, I was spiritually dead.  I came to a point in my life where I was given a choice, presented with a decision to trust my life in God's hands or to turn away.  I turned and fled.  I remember telling my mom that when I made this decision I did not even ask God, I did not want His input. 

So, if there is a step below being spiritually dead...that was where I was.  I was deeply depressed.  I remember telling my doctor that I was living, still alive because of my son and my husband, that was it.  I did not think that they could survive without me.  And that is how I rode the roller coaster of life for the next four years.

We were living in Oregon and I had just had Alexander.  Dan was away on a two month patrol.  I couldn't breath, I would go pick up Ike from the bus stop and have a complete meltdown.  So, I called my sister in Montana, and pretty much told her that I was going to freak out if she did not let me come visit.  A little bit about Holly...she was at that time a little weird to me.  She home schooled her kids, wore skirts, and actually practiced submitting to her husband.  But she was someone I could trust.   

While I was there I completely broke down one night.  I just cried.  She prayed for me, over me, with me.  I do not remember what she prayed for specifically, but I remember how she prayed, like she knew God, like she had a relationship with Him.

So, I went home with hope in my heart and a list of books to read.  My sister and I prayed that I would find guidance and a church upon returning home. 

A week later, Ike's soccer team started practiving and his coach showed up wearing a John 3:16 shirt.  She invited me to the local AWANAs group and introduced me to Riann...my guide.  Riann and I quickly became friends, even though I completely overwhelmed her with my questioning.

So, my sister showed me, gave me a glimpse of what spiritual life is and Riann helped me, still helps me today, in establishing my relationship with God. 

My son and I are reading the Chronicles of Narnia, there is a part of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader that we read last night.  Eustace is this spoiled brat of a boy and he has been turned into a dragon.  He realizes that all the people that he thought were trying to hurt him, were actually trying to help him.  He is miserable though.  He runs into Aslan...the lion...and Aslan tells him that he has to undress and go into this well to become clean.  So Eustace tries to clean himself off, but each time he does it is unsuccessful.  So, Aslan tells him that he is going to have to do it...

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.  And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt.  The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.  You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place.  It hurts like the billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -  just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass:  only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been.  And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.  Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water.  It smarted like anything but only for a moment.  After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.  And then I saw why.  I'd turned into a boy again."

I have tried my entire life to be worthy of salvation...worthy of my life...just worthy.  I am not though.  It is through Christ that I am saved.  I fail daily.  But this is my year.  This year I will turn my life, my entire being to God.  Someone told me that God is persistent, loving and patient, so I know that I will not fail in the end.