Haziness

The past few weeks of my life have been kind of a blur. A lot of exhaustion, anger, snapiness have been exuding from my persona. Maybe even a little self pity at times. Not a lot of self pity though because I am totally and completely aware that it could be worse(:

Resentment, that is a word I can identify with. I resent my husband. I resent him. I feel like I have given my all to him, entrusted myself to him. I feel like he has thrown away this offering and totally left me abandoned. I feel like he knows that I am strong and has taken advantage of it. He has stopped protecting me. I feel used and abused.

So, I was interrupted from continuing on with this blog post...probably a good thing...

JQ has not been able to sleep...have I mentioned that before?  Sleep and bedtime is something that I have worked hard for and my kids have always been good sleepers, it is a prerequisite to be part of our family(:  Ha ha.  So anyways, we have been establishing a new sleep routine, I sing to JQ, pray, hugs and kisses, then she tells me "one more thing", then I shut the door, she cries, I open the door, fix whatever she is crying about and then usually she sleeps.  She asks me to sing to her though, no one has ever wanted to hear my voice, especially after the first time I sing.  So, I have been trying to find new songs to sing to her.  Safe in the Arms of Jesus is one that I wanted to sing to her.  So this afternoon I was playing it on the piano trying to figure out the tune.  While flipping through the pages of the hymnal, I happened upon Trust and Obey.  This is why I rerouted this post.

Not a shadow can rise,

Not a cloud in the skies,

But His smile quickly drives it away;

Not a doubt nor a fear, 

Not a sigh nor a tear.

Can abide while we Trust and obey.

Not a doubt nor a fear, Not a sigh nor a tear.  That is what these past weeks have been full of:  Tears, Fears, Doubts and Sighs.  I know what I am responsible for.  I did not choose these responsibilities.  

You are the light of the world.

A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.

Matthew 5:14

I am to be a light.  A light to my family, to my friends, to the world.  So, I am to trust and obey...that will drive away the anger, the resentment, the snapiness.  So...according to Pastor Keith...my light bulb is already turned on(Christ is in my heart), but maybe it isn't shining as brightly because it needs to be dusted off.  

He must increase, I must decrease.

John 3:30