I don't know how to ask for help

I don't know how to receive help either.

I have never taken anything without giving something back.

At some point anyone that I have ever loved has let me down, abandoned me.  I figure it is easier and safer just to do everything on my own, so I don't risk the hurt.  Poor me.  Everyone in my life has let me down. 

Seriously though, I have let down every person that has entered into my life.  I am human, I make mistakes, right along with every other human that enters into my life.

So, my husband is gone until January or so.  7 months total he will be gone.  Maybe this is an opportunity to practice asking and receiving help. 

Come to me, 

all who labor and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you, 

and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy, 

and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Focus

This morning I woke up to reality.  My reality.  Not such a positive thing right now.  I have an 8yo, 3yo, 2yo and 3 week old.  My husband is deployed...for oil spill clean up.  I am not getting any sleep.  I am just beat.  My kids are constantly fighting, Jacquelyn is not sleeping again, Alexander has suddenly become a pest to his siblings, Ike needs to run and have more interaction with boys...Eleanor, well she is 3 weeks old which is self explanatory.

I am tired.

I feel alone.

I feel like a failure.

But that is me talking.  In reality, I have been given this amazing opportunity to grow into the person that God wants me to be.  I am tired, but not alone...and I have not failed(:  So, if I can just focus on that, focus on the thought that God cares so much about me that he is challenging me.  He sees in me this amazing person and is giving me the opportunity to become that person. 

Focus Melissa, focus.

Eleanor Rian

So I am a little late on this post(:  Eleanor Rian made her arrival early Saturday morning...two Saturdays ago! 

She is beautiful...she is perfection.  She is a great nurser and is just complete and total sweetness.

I delivered her completely natural, no pain meds or anything...yes I am taking a moment to brag about this.  I was really doubtful on whether or not I was going to make it initially.  But it was amazing.  My doula was amazing.  I was able to give birth to Eleanor in water and it was amazing.  I feel like I can now stop having kids...I have had the most perfect birth(: 

Now all I have left is to raise her...

Transition

Transition: 
The process or an instance of passing from one form, state, or stage to another.

So, my doula informed me the other day that I have never gone through transition unmedicated before.  I have been panicking.  Seriously doubts have started crossing my mind...how am I going to do this?  So, I read this book last night that informed me that I just need to let go.  I just need to breath and let my body take over...I can do this.  It is okay to not be in control, so...check...not in control.

Today my husband came home from work and gave me news that he is probably not going to be here after the baby is born and for a long period of time there after.  If the baby is born a week late, he will not be here either.  Panic.  I am not making it right now.  What am I going to do?  Suddenly I cannot breath again. 

Transition.  I am getting ready to physically go from one stage to another in labor.   It scares me a bit, but I know that I can do it.  Natalie, my doula, will be right there with me.  She will be my strong hold, she will carry me through. 

Transition.  Have I not asked for this spiritual transition?  This is what I plead for, strive for, beg for.  So, I need to loose control.  Christ, my spiritual doula, will be right there with me.  He will be my strong hold, he will carry me through this transition.  Breath Melissa...just breath. 

Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you're my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone

My testimony...I cried throughout the entire thing(:

I have been a Christian my entire life..VBS, 5 day clubs, Sunday school...the whole 9 yards. 

(At this point I paused to point out that I was pregnant and very emotional, I thought they might need and explanation because I was pretty much sobbing.)

But I was not born again.

John Piper says it best, "They are cultural Christians.  Religion is a formal, external thing.  There has been no true inner awakening from spiritual death to spiritual life. 

So, I was spiritually dead.  I came to a point in my life where I was given a choice, presented with a decision to trust my life in God's hands or to turn away.  I turned and fled.  I remember telling my mom that when I made this decision I did not even ask God, I did not want His input. 

So, if there is a step below being spiritually dead...that was where I was.  I was deeply depressed.  I remember telling my doctor that I was living, still alive because of my son and my husband, that was it.  I did not think that they could survive without me.  And that is how I rode the roller coaster of life for the next four years.

We were living in Oregon and I had just had Alexander.  Dan was away on a two month patrol.  I couldn't breath, I would go pick up Ike from the bus stop and have a complete meltdown.  So, I called my sister in Montana, and pretty much told her that I was going to freak out if she did not let me come visit.  A little bit about Holly...she was at that time a little weird to me.  She home schooled her kids, wore skirts, and actually practiced submitting to her husband.  But she was someone I could trust.   

While I was there I completely broke down one night.  I just cried.  She prayed for me, over me, with me.  I do not remember what she prayed for specifically, but I remember how she prayed, like she knew God, like she had a relationship with Him.

So, I went home with hope in my heart and a list of books to read.  My sister and I prayed that I would find guidance and a church upon returning home. 

A week later, Ike's soccer team started practiving and his coach showed up wearing a John 3:16 shirt.  She invited me to the local AWANAs group and introduced me to Riann...my guide.  Riann and I quickly became friends, even though I completely overwhelmed her with my questioning.

So, my sister showed me, gave me a glimpse of what spiritual life is and Riann helped me, still helps me today, in establishing my relationship with God. 

My son and I are reading the Chronicles of Narnia, there is a part of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader that we read last night.  Eustace is this spoiled brat of a boy and he has been turned into a dragon.  He realizes that all the people that he thought were trying to hurt him, were actually trying to help him.  He is miserable though.  He runs into Aslan...the lion...and Aslan tells him that he has to undress and go into this well to become clean.  So Eustace tries to clean himself off, but each time he does it is unsuccessful.  So, Aslan tells him that he is going to have to do it...

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.  And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt.  The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.  You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place.  It hurts like the billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -  just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass:  only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been.  And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.  Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water.  It smarted like anything but only for a moment.  After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.  And then I saw why.  I'd turned into a boy again."

I have tried my entire life to be worthy of salvation...worthy of my life...just worthy.  I am not though.  It is through Christ that I am saved.  I fail daily.  But this is my year.  This year I will turn my life, my entire being to God.  Someone told me that God is persistent, loving and patient, so I know that I will not fail in the end.

Testimony

So, I am giving my testimony in church tomorrow.  It has been a rough week.  I almost called the pastor and asked if I could reschedule or just forgo it all together.  I feel like an impostor, a fake, a fraud. 

It has been a hard week of looking back at what has brought me here.  The mistakes I have made, how they have affected my children...how they are still affecting my children.  It is a lot to think about.  It is easy to look back and see where you have failed and become so morose about it all.  It is easy to think about what would have happened, if only I had done this instead of this.  That isn't life though.  I do not know what would have happened, and it is a waste of my time to think about it.  I do know that in my sin I turned away from God and know that I am really weary of doing that again. 

So, I am trying to move forward...keep moving forward.  I am trying to align my plan with God's plan...correction...I am trying to dispose of my plan and follow where God leads me.  What does that look like?  I don't know...I just started today...maybe a couple of hours ago to be exact(:  All I know is that there is hope.  His mercies are new every morning.  He is persistent, patient and loving.  He has it all covered.

Come to me, 

all who labor and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you, 

and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Guilt

So, the Davis Family is sick again.  It seems like we have been sick all winter long.  We did the whole cold/cough thing a couple of times and then moved on to the vomiting..which was crazy awful...then diarrhea stuck around for a long time...now we are back to colds. 

Obviously things have been kind of crazy here lately because Ike is constantly keeping an eye on me...making sure I am not crying, that I am okay.  I feel awful that he has this burden.  Today I went to go talk to JQ, who had just been sent to her room for the millionth time, it was a bad day.  I found her in her bed, hiding her hands, refusing to tell me what she had gotten into.  I just cried, I am so tired, sick and just frustrated with her behavior as of late.  So, now I have her checking on me, making sure that I am not crying. 

Selfishly, I cannot help but think that some of this would not be happening, some of this would be easier to deal with if...if only my husband came home every night.  So, I heard about this lady who was talking to some other ladies, the later were complaining about their husbands antics and the such...something I never do(:  But the first lady said something about how her husband had died and how she wished every night that she would stumble over his dirty laundry...find his trash on the counter...stand confused at his inability to load the dishwasher...etc.  The story was supposed to give me a bit of perspective.  Perhaps encourage me to find a little grace in my heart to give to my own husband. 

Is there a balance though?  I cannot imagine a life without my husband, nor do I wish it.  But really, is it too much to ask for a little help?  He cleans out the car...stuffs everything in a couple of bags and leaves it next to the front door to crowd our entry way...is it too much to ask for him to complete the job?  I would have been fine with the stuff being left in the car!!!  I know that his work is hard, leaves him feeling drained...I am tired of seconds though...I am tired of trying to feel grateful for the seconds...the leftovers. 

This is today though, thankfully I will awaken tomorrow to a new day, with new mercies (Thank you Lord).  Tomorrow the sun will be shining and the kids and I will hopefully be well enough to make it outside of the house to enjoy it.  Tomorrow I will succeed at something other than failing.  Today was Monday...really...I should just be happy that I made it through it.