Christ-Like

Talking with a friend one day.  She is talking about how she tries...was trying because this was a bit of time ago...to show a Christ-like image, in her finances, her marriage, her parenting...you get the idea.

What does this mean?  What does it mean to show Christ's love?  To bring Him glory?  What does it look like in my life?  I so struggle.  There is this side of me that wants peace, to live for God alone, to find satisfaction in Him.  Then something catches my eye, my heart really, and I want to have that freedom of a fast car, I want to listen to that music that makes my heart, just roar really.  I want the music that floods my being and brings every bit of my being into focus. Because that is what I lack...focus.

Is it possible to be whole?  Is it possible to bring these two halves together and make a whole?  Is there a way to sanctify this half of me that rages within?

I am weary and burdened and He says I just have to come to Him and He will give me rest.  Rest for my soul.  Aaron Shust sings this song "Come to Me" and I just want it to play over and over in my head. 

Come to me,
all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Changing My Name

Recently, I changed my email address.  Okay, I am undergoing the process of changing my email address.

Long story short, "just jayne" was taken.  "jayne and the daffodils" was available.  I want to be "just jayne", but the more I try to be that, the further away it takes me from God, from my family.  The more I try to carve out time for myself, the less I can find it. 

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth is my favorite poem.  To me, the busyness of life is talked about, the overwhelmingness that comes with living life...the journey.  He closes his eyes as he sits on the couch and he remembers the daffodils...beside the lake...beneath the trees...fluttering...dancing...in the breeze.  The circling, the twirling of life.  The violent ways that we spin and become confused...then we have a moment of utter calm and remember.  We remember the daffodils...the children that came into this world as helpless infants, the moment we first laid eyes on our love...  Our own violent spinning stops and we see that we can move independently of the spin of the world.  We have our eyes focused on a "prize"... 

My husband, AKA, The world's greatest (LOL)
My children
That grey elephant fabric
My Chinese red sewing table

How about these for a prize, what about these for daffodils....

God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me

I BELIEVE IN GOD

So, I am changing my name.  Because I am not "just jayne", though I still love the bareness of it.

jayne and the daffodils

Bare...not there

It seems like I am so lost these days. 

Really struggling...wanting to go somewhere...but not wanting to put the work in to move. 

Have you ever had something awful and unexpected happen?  Like a death?  There is this emptiness that consumes you.  Almost a numbness that passes over you. 

I feel that way...except there is not a death, nothing tragic has happened. 

Some days I awaken and it is not there, and I think that maybe that feeling was just a dream, that I really can deal with "this" not really knowing what "this" is.  But then it comes back, unexpectedly, and I am hit again.

I am such a doer.  I want to do things, I want people to see the goodness inside of me and the goodness that I can do.

But I am not good, and I wonder what am I really doing? 

God has a plan for me.  These things that I busy myself with, they are all for naught...if it isn't within His plan.  So, I wonder why I do it.

What would He have me give up?  What am I really willing to give up?  My sister and I talk and we wonder what we haven't given up, I feel stripped sometimes.  But then there is my sewing, secret fabric purchases (guilty), novels, TV shows, a bookshelf of sewing books that I admit, I totally covet them.  I don't want to give in...so I cling to these things because I deserve them, right?

I wonder what I would look like it I could just strip down the clutter that is inside my heart and within my life.  Would this dread that suffucates me at times visit less frequently? 

What can I live without?  What can I purge so that I can be bare and receptive to God's will?

I love all things Japanese

I lived in Japan for about two years when I was growing up.  I loved it there.  I love Japan.  I am trying to think in my head right now (not sure where else you think) how to explain the way it makes me feel. 

Japan...cherry blossoms
Japan...colorful coy fish
Japan...intricate beauty in the most simplest of things
Japan...every little thing has these amazing layers of beauty

I can't do it.  I cannot conjure up words that describe the images, the feelings of peace that surge through my being when my thoughts turn to Japan. 

So, you can imagine how surprised I was when I found out that there was something that I did not like about Japan.  Hashimoto's.  It is an auto-immune disease that destroys your thyroid.  I have Hashimoto's.  I am grateful to have a diagnosis.  Grateful because I didn't cause this.  It is not my life that is causing me to be tired, lose my hair, be depressed.  Sure, I do have a busy life and it leads to tiredness, but having four kids, homeschooling has not caused this bit of anguish in my life.  Even though there isn't a cure for this, I cannot take a pill to take away the symptoms, I can find relief that I didn't do something to deserve this. 

Just a word to pass on.  If a friend comes to you saying she knows that she is sick, but cannot figure out what is wrong with here.  Don't tell her she is tired because she has kids and a busy life.  It is not helpful.  Well, it wasn't to me(:  Not sure what you should say though...

Thinking

I have been thinking lately.  Thinking lately that I would rather blog than spend time on FB.  Rather send emails or better yet letters...distance myself from technology.  I don 't really spend a lot of time on FB...or do I?  I find myself checking it when I going from one event to the next.  I think that it might be time to rearrange my life.  So, stand by for more posting...hmmm...we will see(:

Of Lovely Things in Japan

Far away toward the sunrise, in the blue waters of the Pacific, lies the Empire-of-Myriad-Islands, the Land-of-the-Dragon-Fly, Japan.  In Japan there is wealth of sunshine, of flower-bloom, and of bird-song, and the people love these beautiful things.  They love trees and breezes, butterflies and birds, moonlight and starlight, and they love these things so much that for hundreds of years they have been writing verses about them.

Anyone may write verses in Japan,-that is, anyone who listens with all his heart to the song of the nightingale among the flowers, to the voice of the frogs in a star-lit pool, and the music of the wind, singing in the tress.  Little girls, little boys, men and women, grandfathers and grandmothers, all may write poetry in Japan, and they write about the things they love,-about birds and blossoms and butterflies, and the shadows of the clouds that go racing over the fields at noon-day.

They write little verses on pictures, on gaily embroidered screens, on cups and plates, on painted fans, on towels, on handkerchiefs,-in fact, they write verses anywhere!  The farm-girls with bare legs and wide straw hats, standing knee-deep in the muddy water of the rice fields, make verses and sing them as they work.  Fishermen, fishing by the flaming light of torches, with those queer birds, the cormorants, make verses as they fish.  Porters, trudging up to their necks in the tall grass, with packs on their heads, make verses as the trudge.  In joy or sorrow they makes verses, verses, verses.  Indeed, in no country of the world are all the people taught so truly to love poetry as in Japan, and they know quite well, these little folks of the Empire-of-Myriad-Islands, that every single thing that has life, nightingale, butterfly, bee or flower, is always, somehow, making a poem of its own.

~From Little Pictures of Japan, a collection of Japanese writings translated into English

Somewhere along the line I must have changed

I have completed my first week in Virginia. I have gone to church the first time. I have gone to the landfill twice. Been on just one walk and only been to the park once. Unfortunately I have already lost count of how many trips I have made to Target. Oh and I did make one trip to a new fabric store.

I am lost though. I have already encountered a super rude aggressive driver, a pizza MAN wearing a push-up bra, a church where I was not greeted and my greetings fell on deaf ears, a park that warned that it was being treated for fire ants and to play at your own risk.

I have been here a week and I am tired. Left wanting to feel at home but knowing that this is not my home. I am not suppose to make this Earth my home...but how do I live with the exruciating void that is within me, this homesickness that is inundating my system? Homesickness but I know no specific home.

It has been an interesting week.

Rearranging Life

We have been moving things around in our house. I put Al and JQ in the same room. Right now I am in my bed nursing Eleanor. I can hear their sweet voices chattering. I am so thankful for this!

A circle that is closer to being complete

Today I found myself googling the genetic counselor that told me that Luke had Spina Bifida.  Even more amazing I dialed her number and called.  She picked up.

Time is hazy.  I still have to count to figure out how old Luke would be.  He would 7 this year.  So, just almost exactly 7 years ago I walked into the Naval Hospital in Portsmouth VA very nervous.  I was wearing a pair of Dan's jeans and a pink shirt.  It was just a week before Valentine's Day.  I walked in there such an innocent.  Thinking that I could overcome anything...thinking I was untouchable.  I left feeling like I was an untouchable.  Not to be dramatic.  I had no place.  I couldn't hang out with the happy mothers to be who were awaiting perfection.  I could not mourn with the unfortunate mothers who endured a miscarriage.  I was lost.

So, later that day I met with my genetic counselor.  She was this awesome lady, totally a kindred spirit.  She was an old friend in a stranger's body.  We lost touch over the years, but today I called her.  It was nice to talk to someone who knew Luke.

He always kicked at the same time everyday.  Sweet Luke.   I miss him.  Today I will hold my kids a little tighter, a little longer.  Today I will let the tears spill over.  Sweet Luke.

Things I hear when I am not in the same room...

Ike:  Moommm!  Jacquelyn is chewing her french fries and regurgitating them on my desk!

Mom:  Ike, do you know where your history book is, I cannot find it.
Ike:  I am astonished that we cannot find it, bewildered.

Why I am ready for Heaven...

I am ready for heaven because all the barriers we have will be broken down.  There will no longer be a language barrier to contend with.  Really I am looking forward to there being a lack of communication barriers.  I am looking forward to not unintentionally injuring people with my words and vice versa.  I am looking forward to saying something and the true meaning is instantly, readily evident.

I am tired of email where words and meanings can be misconstrued.  I wish that we could just always read and think the best of people's words. 

Today I am faced with reality. I am waiting in the parking lot whilst my husband is being seen at the Navy clinic. While we were waiting an elderly lady parked next to us. Glancing over I noticed she was having a hard time getting out of her car, not physically by mentally. Kind of like she was nervous. Then she opened her door and hit our car. The kids were appalled. I reassured them that really it was okay.

I will be that lady. How will I be loved or appreciated? How will I be seen by others? Will I be a burden or a blessing? Time goes by so quickly. I know this...I live this. What am I teaching my kids? Am I teaching them to seek after the Lord with all there heart or am I teaching them that it is okay to put Him on the shelf while life is busy to pick Him up at a more convienient time? Reality is not so fun to face at times.

Well, my time is up here...blogging that is...

Socks

How is your day going? I slipped on my socks today to find a hole cut above the big toe of my 12 dollars socks. No big deal I initially thought, but I am realizing that it kind of is because this year my winter shoes are an old pair of Birkenstocks. Sigh...

Thinking Over Popcorn

Snack time at our house has become a little hectic.  We are trying to go wheat-free and everything has wheat.  So, this afternoon the Boyscouts saved us.  I bought some of their popcorn this past trip to the commissary...did you know that it is naturally both sugar and gluten free?  Yup.

So, I am popping popcorn thinking about homeschoolers.  My husband was at first hesitant to the idea of homeschooling because he didn't want our kids to have that sort of awkwardness that homeschoolers sometimes have...no offense.  Really though I have that social awkwardness and I have never been home-schooled.  Okay, before I step on anymore toes...I was thinking of ways to prevent Ike from being "different".  Then I remembered that this is not our home.  This Earth I do not belong to.  I am not supposed to purpose to be the same as other people, but actually want them to see a difference in me.  The difference that Christ makes.  I do not want to raise children who belong in it either. 

So, that is my thought for today...

Your Grace Is Enough

Three Sundays ago I drove to church in complete tears.  I was so frustrated because it is so hard to go to church...the kids are always crazy and hard to wrangle...I love being at church, I just dislike getting there.  I was crying though really because I come to church seemingly desperate every Sunday.  Really needing it.  I just felt like there must be something wrong with me because if I was a "good" enough Christian, I would come calmly with obedient children(:

So, last Sunday I didn't go.  I made up some excuse in my mind and didn't go.  The kids had been especially crazy and I really didn't even feel worthy enough to come to church.

This Sunday I just didn't want to go.  I knew that if I didn't go though that it would be even harder next Sunday.  I arrived ready to pass out, exhausted and I went into the sanctuary hearing "Your Grace is Enough."  It is enough, but do I believe that?  Do I accept that?  I know that His grace is enough for you...or for my children, but do I believe that it is enough for me?

I love that I get to choose to be a Christian.  I have chosen to believe that Christ is my savior.  I have chosen even though I hurt, am seemingly hurt by things that have happened in my life.  I know that God could provide a life for me that would be free from hurt, free from desperation, just free.  He does not bring these obstacles into my life to hurt me, I know, but it still hurts.  The thought, hope that I cling to is this...that some day I will be able to help someone else, be a blessing to someone else. 

Lord bless me, so that I can bless others.

This Is How We Roll...

When I became pregnant with Alexander I pretty much freaked out.  Kind of thought that I would not be able to do anything, go anywhere.  So, I began the search for a new stroller.  I didn't want a double side by side because that was too bulky and would be a hassle.  So, eventually, I settled on a Phil and Teds and it was pretty nice.  Super heavy, but nice.

So, you can imagine how I reacted when I became pregnant with Eleanor, well maybe you can't, but I was pretty worried.  I love walking and seriously I think it is one of the only things that keeps me sane.  So, I began the stroller shopping again.  After about 6 months of shopping I finally found one and boy is it awesome.  So, I just thought I would share a few pictures with you.  I have a Mountain Buggy stroller and then attach a Buggy Board from Lascal onto it for Jacquelyn.  It totally rocks.

Alexander loves his ride...so does Eleanor, maybe a bit too much(:

A little prewalk photo op.  JQ insisted that I take the picture and then she looked away when I relented.

Lolly-pops at the local candy store.

For some reason I cannot add text under the below picture...

I love this picture because this is my reality.

Add caption

Homos

So, Ike has a science book that goes through the genus homos....homo sapiens, homo erectus, homo africanious...etc.  I know my spelling is off, but spell check is not working either(:

So, Ike comes up to me.  Hey mom did you know that there is a homo that is only 3 ft tall?  Little bit of giggling coming from me.  Mom, did you know that one group of homos were cannibals?  More giggling, yes I am a bit immature at times.  Mom, this homo...

So, I say ummm Ike, I know what you are talking about but I do not want you to say that anymore.  I know that you are talking about the genus homo, but other people may think you mean something else.  Ike of course asks what they might think it means.  Sigh...well Ike I will tell you later, right now I am going to carry the burden of that knowledge.  Okay mom.

If only everything in life was this easy(:  We also talked about evolution...I so enjoy these conversations.  It is kind of exciting to think that I am influencing the mind of a future scientist...exciting, but also a little scary.

This is where I am at...

This morning I talked to a lady from the company we rent our house through.  I told her that Dan had left for the Gulf, we had just had a baby and that I was barely surviving.  I said that if any work was going to get done that it had to be the week that my mom was here.  I am barely surviving...this is where I am at...

Marshmallows...

When I was growing up I read the Babysitter's Club series.  One of the girls in the books was a a health-nut.  Well, her mom was really.  She had never had junk food and never really even wanted to try it.  I was like...when I grow up I am going to be a health nut and my children will only eat healthy food.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?  My children will never eat Oreos or marshmallows so they will prefer granola, dried fruit, and other "healthy" choices.  Hmmm...well, here I am grown up.  The plan didn't work.  My kids love junk food because at some desperate moment in their lives I gave them something savory and sweet to kind of help them keep their mouths shut.  Oh and also, I never kicked the junk food habit myself.  That is actually the reason for the post...my lunch for today...peanut butter crackers and marshmallows.  Maybe my grand kids will be health-nuts?

Hmmm....

So, I have been waiting all day for this opportunity to write in my blog.  I created this blog kind of as an online diary of sorts.  Now I cannot remember what it was that I was going to say and my baby just started to cry.

Hmmm....