Fabric...paper...drool...

So, my favorite sewing machine has been broken and or in the shop for the past three months.  I finally received the call to come pick it up and was so happy.  So happy.  I know, it is a sewing machine, but it is so much more to me.  I grew up using the same model of sewing machine when my mom was trying to teach me how to sew.  My grandmother also had the same sewing machine, now my sister has it.  So, here is my first project on my sewing machine that has somehow become my friend(:  I love it.  This is my first time sewing something other than clothing, so I ended up feeling really crafty and cool.  I am going to include another picture because I love it so much.

The notebook picture is taken on my sewing cabinet.  Which...my dad gave to my mom back in the day.  I painted it Chinese Lacquer Red...okay so my dear husband really did the painting.  I love it though.  My dad died when I was about 3.5 years old, so the stories that my mom tells about him are so romantic and sweet.  When he brought my mom home to meet his mom he couldn't stop talking about how awesome of a seamstress my mom was.  He was so good to her(:

Okay, I really hopped around with this post, but I wanted to show my craftier side.  Stand by for pictures of the kids...I finally found the cable the connects my camera to the computer!

And let us not grow weary of doing good,

for in due season we will reap,

if we do not give up.

So then, as we have opportunity,

let us do good to everyone,

and especially to those

who are of the household of faith.

Galatians 6:9,10

How Could I Forget Such Kindness??

My dear husband gave me this teapot about two or so years ago.  We had a heavy cast iron tea pot, that was, well, heavy and big.  I wanted something for the nights he was gone, just for myself.  So, he bought this set for me.  As I chased our kids around the tea store he talked to the cashier, making sure I would have everything I needed.  He carefully picked out the infuser for me, I overheard the conversation.  He told the lady that he wanted something with a handle because my fingertips were delicate and without calluses.  He did not want me to burn my fingers on the infuser basket.  How sweet.

So, I sit here, on another night alone, brewing my peppermint tea.  Feeling a little lonely, but every so grateful for a little reminder of his kindness.

The day is done...

Today is done and I am left feeling a little empty...a little discouraged.  Maybe even a little mentally challenged?

So, I am reading the book...The Heart of Anger.  I struggle with being angry.  I have passed that onto my children...each one is progressively worse it seems.  Maybe today was just a bad day?  I do not think so though.  I think I had a glimpse of what life will permanently look like if I...we...do not make some changes. 

My husband thinks that everything is okay though.  He says we...I...am trying to fix a problem that is not even there.  I just want someone to come in and fix things.  I want a partner in all this.  I say this, but the voice in the back of my head says...you do have a partner.  I need to be more prayerful and less reactive.  I need to truly turn over my concerns to God. 

Words of encouragement...

You will never be behind!  Just jump back in on the current day and keep going.  The Lord loves perseverance...because He perseveres with us.  The Truth Project, Daily Travelogue

Perhaps you, like Jim and Linda, have forgotten that God will not ask you as a Christian to follow any biblical mandate without providing the grace and ability to carry it out.  The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo

I...we...Christ and I...can do this.

Things I miss about "The Friend"

My family and I left Astoria about 5 months ago.  How much has changed...but really how much is the same?  I am still working (AKA struggling) to create a consistent relationship with Christ.  I am still missing my husband each and everytime he gets underway.  I am still super excited about home schooling...but maybe even more(:  Most of all though I miss my friend...that is the most consistent factor here.

Everytime I go to Starbucks I miss ordering her tall mochas with a ristretto shot(:  I miss our walks downtown to see my favorite birds, her least favorite...seagulls.  I miss visiting her and glancing at our socks to see if we are wearing the same ones.  I miss finding a fabric or a pattern and not having her by myside to dream about future creations.  Today I received an order from Amazon and was so excited until I realized that we could not get together over tea to browse through the pages together.  One time I waited for weeks for an order from Japan to arrive then I waited all day long (in agony) to open the box so we could browse through the contents together.

I miss her encouraging words when I was "in the depths of despair".  She never told me that I was lucky for this, or lucky for that, but it was like she understood my struggles and shared them with me.  She addresses me in emails, not by my name, but as Friend.  What a cherished word that has become to me.

I still miss her, as I will each and everyday of my life that we are separated...but I think I am understanding friendship a little more.  God has blessed me with another friend here.  No friendships are the same and I am starting to enjoy the variety.  I am so thankful for my friend who happens to also be my sister, my friend who is coincidentally my mom, my friend from high school, my friend from Astoria and for my friend from Texas.

Oh and one more thing...about the picture...the line is pointing to the seagull that is flapping it's wings and kind of looking like it is stumbling in the water behind the elegant stable one(:

The Great Comforter

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of
all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those
who are in any affliction, with the comfort
with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3,4

Perfect

Today was my first prenatal visit. An ultrasound was done...there is a baby there(: It is amazing to me how she (I am going for a girl) already is a baby. There are 10 fingers and toes...a perfect body. Perfect.

It was hard to go, or it was hard to be there. The inevitable question of how many pregnancies have you had, how many were to term, always comes up. I did not cry this time. I told the midwife and that we would not go that route again and that at the time it was the best decision we could make. She asked how I felt about it. How do I feel about it? I feel sad and hurt. Why was I ever in the position to have to make that decision? Then I felt suddenly scared, it is easy to say that we will go through with this pregnancy when everything is still perfect. Perfect.

There is no closer to this sorrow in my life, no end to it. It will always be there. I do not wish that it had never been but I just wish...I just wish...I do not even know what I wish. I guess on some days it is just harder than others. Really, I know what I wish. I wish that I could have gained all of this life knowledge, attained the maturity, the empathy, all the life altering "things" without the pain and the sacrifice of some of my innocence. Another selfish statement I am sure.

I called my mom to tell her and said that everything looked good so far. She said that everything would be perfect, everything would be okay. I said yes, it will all be perfect, it will be God's perfection, which is not always the same as mine. It is easier to say that then it is to mean it...I am working on it though(:

I showed Ike the picture and he said, "Wow, so you really are pregnant!" So sweet.

If you have an extra moment to pray, please pray that I would be able to accept God's perfection no matter how far it deviates from my own(: Please pray for perfection in this child.

I am an Israelite...

Ike and I were reviewing his AWANAs stuff yesterday. He asked me to read him the included verse story, which was about the Israelites. Okay, so the major theme of the story...God hates complainers. When you look through the story it is hard to see how the Israelites could complain. God brought them out of Egypt, out of slavery, through the Red Sea...obvious miracles. Personally I would never complain, or would I? What are the things that He does in my life daily...hourly...that I take advantage of? I am an Israelite, but they say that the first step is acceptance, or something like that. So, there is hope(:

I may not complain outloud, but I complain in my heart and I think that it is evident to my children. Whether it is in my heart or on my tongue, it is a sin all the same. So, I am going to purpose to think on what is true...I am going to wake up early and crack my Bible open and memorize scripture. I am going to pray...pray for God to teach me through His word and His Holy Spirit. I am going to pray to become a worthy occupant of this wonderful life He has given me. And if you feel the need...I would be grateful for your prayers as well.

I felt really negative after posting yesterday.

This is what I have come up with. I seek knowledge, but what is it for? I think that what I am looking for is what a university could offer me. What this small group is offering is real life experience, a safe place to seek and offer advice maybe? With that in mind, I think that it totally exceeds my expectations.

Today I took the three little ones to the park. On the way out of the park Ike(I am done with code names) started spinning around in circles with his arms out. Soon JQ followed and lastly Alexander giggled with glee and stuck his arms out. AK couldn't quite get the coordination down to spin and hold his arms up. It was so sweet. They were all laughing and truly enjoying life. Then they found a leaf pile and all jumped in. I would really like to leave and go back to the park now just to relive that one moment...but the babes are asleep. So, I will rely on the videos in my head and hope they stay there permanently.

Still In the Closet

I have this insatiable desire to learn. To know. I think that it is a downfall at times. I keep thinking if I learn this...if I know that...then I can be a good christian...a good wife...a good parent.

I joined, well we joined, a small group recently. I guess I was expecting something different. I was expecting to be fervently writing notes, getting into the scriptures, constantly having that "aha" moment. Okay, so it is not like that. Where do I come by that? Maybe I am too intense? I guess I just figure that time is short, our two years here has already started ticking by. I am impatient. I am going to this church and I feel like it has so much to offer me, in regards to personal growth, and I want the downpour. Wow, that sounded a little selfish...but I mean it in a good way, if that is possible.

Hmmm...back to being in the closet. I want Christ's light to shine in me. I want people to see a child of God, not this disorderly shell. How do I do that? How do I give up my own life? How do I take up the cross daily?

I want it...I am desperately grasping for it...

I read a verse the other week and I think I should read it by the hour, maybe even the minute. It talks about how the Bible and the Holy Spirit were given to us as teachers. That we should look to them for answers to our questions. I am probably totally butchering the verse, but that is what I got out of it. Maybe I should just pray on that daily.

It Is Official

Well, the "official" test came back and I am pregnant.

Uh...almost 11 weeks pregnant.

I have found a hospital to go to and will have a midwife deliver this baby. I have met a really neat girl from my church who happens to be a doula...double fantastic.

So, I am ready for the baby to come, ha ha ha.

NEWS FLASH!!!

JQ stayed dry throughout the night!!! Yesterday she had no accidents!!! The day before she wore underwear out of the house for the first time!!! This is exciting!!! Oh we are potty training, but you probably figured that out!!!

Clarity in Cheesecake

We took a trip to New York this week. Really, I just got home! But by the time I post this, it might be tomorrow or the next day. I just wanted to get it started, so I did not forget.

So, it is now Tuesday I and I am getting back to this post. Life...

My favorite place in New York is Grand Central Station. Which is totally not like me. I hate crowded places and suffer from minor claustrophobia. But you can get fantastic cheesecake there. Last time we went we bought one and only ate a few bites and then left it in our hotel room. Seriously, if that isn't evident of my sinful nature... So, ever since I have been dreaming of this cheesecake.

Well, on our second day we went to Grand Central Station twice! So much fun. The second time around we purchased our cheesecake and then sat down on some benches and ate it. All five of us. We laughed, joked and ate. I can pause and go back there to that moment right now. It is frozen in my mind. I wish I could explain it here. Maybe you have had a moment like this. Where it is all okay. You realize that you do have a dirty house to go home to, there are things that definitely need to get done ASAP...but you enjoy the moment. You savor and appreciate that moment. GI was by my side eating huge bites of cheesecake, just like his Papa, who was on my other side. AK was on his Papa's lap enjoying being fed cheesecake by both Dan and I. JQ was sitting satisfied in her stroller. I am sure we were being watched...but it didn't matter. It was our moment. It was nice to leave all the hurts, things to get done, LIFE behind for a moment.

Thank you Lord, thank you for this moment. Thank you for all my moments that have led up to this one. Just thank you.

Forgiveness

Five years ago this past February I had an abortion. What a harsh word. This is the first time I have ever used it in reference to myself.

I was pregnant with our second child. Our sweet Luke. It hurts to even talk about this. It hurts to think about it, but it is on my mind daily...hourly...sometimes even by the minute.

I found out that Luke had hydrocephalus and spina bifida. On the ultrasound you could see his one leg kicking, his other was already paralyzed. The doctor said that by the end of the pregnancy he would not even be able to move the then mobile leg. We were determined to see the pregnancy though...abortion...unheard of.

One night I woke up, not sure if I had really ever slept, I knew that I could not go through with the pregnancy. I could not bear the thought of people staring at my child wondering what was wrong with him. I could not bear the thought that he would never have real control over his bowels or be able to walk on his own. All of this selfishness. Most of all though I could not stand the thought that with all of this physical pain and suffering that his poor body was bound to go through, he might not have full mental capacity. With the hydrocephalus his brain was being pushed through the foramen magnum...or whatever that orifice is called...and brain damage was already evident.

I hate myself for this story of my life. I hate the thought that I did this to my body, to his body. What right did I have? I defended my position at first. I was preventing him from all this pain and suffering.

What right was it of mine though? None.

I continually ask for God's forgiveness. But on days like today I feel like I do not deserve it. He is so great and merciful to me. I have done nothing. I have done the opposite of nothing which is worse.

But daily He gives me hope. We are barely pregnant now, this will be my fifth pregnancy. I pray continually for the health of this baby, for my own body, but most of all I pray that I will continually trust in God. I want to see His plan for my life, I want to live His plan. Constantly, I want to seek out His guidance.

Labor Day

Okay! It has officially been a week since I have been able to hear normally. I have noticed some good things about not being able to hear...one is selective hearing...seriously...enough said.

We kayaked to Rose Island yesterday and it was so much fun. So, the getting out and kayaking part was not so fun. I had to remind myself a few times that I am the wife and am called to respect my husband. I have been so moody lately, just sick and tired I suppose. It all worked out though. The island is beautiful and you can actually stay a week on it and be a lighthouse keeper. Of course you have to pay, but what fun! We had a scrumptious picnic of chewy bread, Havarti, fresh fruit and ginger ale. It was delightful. Then we hiked around the island, which is also a nature preserve. I do have a few pictures...to post later. It was good to soak up the sun and put my kayaking muscles back to work.

My favorite thing...we were all so beat after our venture that we came home got in our bed and watched Scooby Doo and ate more of the aforementioned food.

Nightmares

Last night I had a nightmare, I woke up and was beside myself.

It seemed to last the entire night, but I can explain it very briefly. Dan, the kids and I were in the midst of some war. The military police came for us and were going to execute us. We had the choice of giving them our children so they would not be executed or they could be executed with us. The decision was up to me. I at first said yes because I did not want to let them be subject to whatever these people would do to them. Then a small voice in me said, "Is deciding when my children are going to die really my choice? Where is your faith in God?"

Then I quickly awoke and was beside myself. I just prayed, prayed that if I was ever in that situation that I would make the right choice and gave thanks because at this moment I am not faced with that situation. Throughout today I have been thinking of this dream, to no avail of course. I just needed to get it out, to stop thinking about it.

It has been a hard week. The Husband left for an extended trip right when we were getting ill. Soon after he left I went to the doctor...double ear infection. The medicine prescribed to me is reeking havoc on my body. I cannot hear and have three kids to care for. Today I slept in until 9am...not on purpose. I could not hear my alarm that was supposed to wake me and then slept through the cries of my poor baby. I received news last night that my husband's trip was extended for 2 days. So where is the joy in this...?

I made a library bag for GI
I am finishing up a pair of pants for AK
I am reading a wonderful book that will help me form my children's worldview
I am saved, through God's gift of Jesus
I have a son that creates gifts for me and comforts me with his words.
I will regain my hearing back
I get to see my children smiling even though I cannot hear their peals of laughter

Crying...

Ugh...it really stresses me out to hear one of my babies crying. "Stresses me out" that is definitely the understatement of the century. I am sitting here eating marshmallows and chocolate bars leftover from a previous camping trip.

Funny how I spent over 9 months anticipating, yearning for...the first cry...the relief that washed over me, almost as intense as the relief my body felt when he was born.

I am so tired these days, really I want to be the one crying. I am broken, I must be. Right now I feel like everything around me is falling apart, that I am falling apart. Today that is the way I feel.

I know tomorrow it will be better...with each breath it really seems to be better, but I have always been an optimist. I know what is wrong, granted life is a little hectic these days, but I am skimping on my quiet times.

I really am noticing lately that my relationship with God is a convenience. I do not want to be that way. No relationship is easy, you really have to work for it, you have to sacrifice for it. I am so lacking. But here I am, at yet another turning point.

"There is hope for me yet because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me."

BFF

So, I have this friend. My entire life my mom has prayed for this friend. Here I am, 32 years old, just meeting her. Even though our time living as neighbors is running short, I am constantly grateful for every second we have had and still have.

Whomever said, "A taste of honey is worse than none at all" was stupid. Any agony I experience from our upcoming separation is well worth just one more moment with her. As Anne of Green Gables would say...She is my bosom friend(:

My mom says she will continue to pray for another friend just like her when we move to Rhode Island. I do want friends, but not another one like her. She is special, there are no words to describe her, to describe our friendship.

Safe...that is how I feel when we are together. Safe because I know that whatever I say, whatever I do, she will not take offense, she knows that I have the best intentions towards her and her beautiful family. She loves me like a sister, yet we have no blood relation. She forgives me like a sister, forgiving the moment of the offense.

She inspires me, she encourages me, she is a part of me. I am eternally grateful to God for bringing her into my life and I am eternally grateful to her for letting me into hers.

So, thank you friend...thank you Friend.

Who has the time anyways?

I wish I could get to my computer more quickly. I have all of these wonderful, intelligent things to say, but by the time I get to my computer, they have all faded away.

I wish that I was a poet, a composer, a designer. I wish that I could think independently and create my own things. Right now I am stuck memorizing poetry that has already been written...playing music that has already been composed....making clothing from a pattern that somebody else designed.

There are so many things that I want to do, but I feel like my body was not designed to do all of these things. I am tired, and I happen to be sick.

Things that I am grateful for...
A patient husband
Three beautiful children...pictures coming soon...
A loving mother and three loving siblings
Friends...I am so thankful for my friends(:
I am so thankful for beautiful things, even if they were not created by me(:

Balance

It is bath time again, I can only multitask so much when my kids are bathing. I already cleaned the bathroom, so what is left...only to create another post.

I feel like I spend my entire life jumping from one side of the scale to the other...isn't there a seat in the middle?

This week my eldest son was picked as student of the week, along with the title he gets a superstar backpack to wear and each day he brings in something special. Monday afternoon he brought home the backpack and it reeked of smoke...REEKED. It was almost like someone was smoking in the backpack. It just made me feel really badly for the previous week's student of the week. GI said he always smells like smoke. ANYWAYS...it made me angry. Angry at the boy's parents, angry at life, just angry. Then GI asked me something and I snapped at him. How do I deal with anger? How do I have emotions and not let them bleed out into my family? I need balance. I am grateful that I immediately saw which way I was heading though. So, I did some damage control and it seems like things are good. I am still angry for my sons classmate, but maybe I should just make a list and start praying for him. I am not helpless, though sometimes it seems like I could not possibly be anything else.

Well, bath time is almost over. The children are starting to get pruned fingers and toes. Until we meet again...

My first post....there is no going back

I am not very good at writing, my punctuation is usually incorrect and I misspell a lot of words. So, I kind of feel like I should just apologize from the start. I have been "starting" this blog for months, I feel like I just need to get this one out and it will be easier.

I am not even sure why I am starting a blog. I really only know of one person that will look at it(: So, regardless, here is a little bit about me...

I am a stay at home mom of three...AK(13m), JQ(2yrs) and GI(7rs). I am a christian...trying to find the balance among being a growing christian, a wife and a mom. I want to radiate Christ in my every thought, word and deed...but am not quite there yet.

So, here it is...my first post.